how did that happen

I’m not sure why I bother with this diary anymore… but it seems that sometimes it’s all I have left.  I’m not sure where it all went wrong.. but I have come to the realization recently that I have one.. maybe two people in my life that I can actually rely on.  It bothers me to come to this realization… I feel as though I’ve neglected all of the friends I’ve had… and somehow screwed up all of my friendships when I’ve wanted nothing more then to hold them close.  Things always work out that way though.  They never go how you expect them to. 

I hate this feeling… I hate it when I start feeling this low.  I have so much love I want to spread to everyone… but I just end up being boring in the end and they just leave… Maybe stop by to say hi every now and again.. and I can’t blame them really.  Either life gets in the way or they just end up not caring because I’m such a downer it’s better to just not be around me.  Who wants to be around that all the time.  Not me that’s for sure, but here I am…

I miss the simple pleasures I used to be able to enjoy.  I’m stuck in this stupid appartment complex…. I miss my backyard and being able to sit by my pool and listen to music and looking at the stars on summer nights.  I miss deep talks with my sister.  I miss being able to relate to people… having things in common with others… I feel so distant from the damn human race.  I don’t even feel a part of it anymore.  I don’t want to go out and drink all the time though, I don’t enjoy going to clubs and having strange men pretend to fuck me with their clothes on and call that dancing.  That’s not my idea of a fun time. 

I want to paint, I want to paint with my whole body and write captivating stories and sing at the top of my lungs in the middle of a huge empty building so I can hear it echo off the walls.  I want to scream at the top of my lungs all the frustrations I’ve been harboring inside of myself and actually have someone listen and not try to tell me they understand, but just to listen and cry with me.  I want to travel the world and see all the different cultures and see all the different landscapes.  I want to sail my own ship across an ocean and go diving to see what I’m floating above, and climb up a mountain just to be able to ski down the other side.  I want to travel into space and touch the surface of another planet and dig in the earth and find things that haven’t been seen or touched in thousands of years.

I don’t want to spend my life wasting away in an accounting office for the 1/3 of of my life when I could be doing ANYTHING else.  What a waste.  How did society become what it is today… who thought up working all those hours just to barely make it in this world?  There is so much to see and do and experiance and I fee like I’m just wasting away… and there’s nobody to notice if I ever do…  

Why am I here… what’s my purpose??  Aren’t we all supposed to have some grand purpose in life or something?  Right now my purpose is to work so that I can spend all my money to have a roof over my head… how meaningless…

I just want someone to talk to…