things are never simple

You know, I try to not write in here about my relationship with Tom, because I try to go to him instead so that there isn’t any conflict in our relationship, but lately it feels like I can’t really get a serious response out of him when I try to talk to him about things.  And lately I have been thinking of things… and been having some serious doubts.  I don’t know if it’s because of the long distance relationship thing comming out again or if it’s just me being a psycho girl again… or if I really have good reason to think about what goes through my mind so frequently lately?  I really don’t know.  But I feel like I haven’t gotten any good answers from him and I really need to get this off my chest.

One of the things that I’ve been contemplating is how me and Tom never really talk about the future.  You know like the moving foreward part in the relationship.  I mean, we don’t even hint at it or joke even, let alone be serious about it.  And it’s strange to me because I’ve had guys in the present and in the past, not necessarily even boyfriends either, talk to me seriously about wanting that with me.  And now here I am in the longest realtionship I’ve ever had and it’s never really been spoken of or anything.  And I brought this up to him the other day and all he really said was, “Yea that is strange, huh?” 

Now, this makes me think to something a friend of mine told me once.  “Relationships are either going to end or they’re going to lead into the rest of your life.  If you don’t see the person you’re with as a part of your future why waste your time?”  

As harsh as that was, it’s really the truth, and it got me thinking about what He is really wanting out of this relationship.  I mean, I don’t even know if he really even wants to move in with me.  Every time I talk about moving foreward or anything he seems as though he gets scared.  I mean, I can almost literally hear him figeting over the phone, and he always tries to change the subject.  It really gets to me.

And then I have a friend down here… who is so extremely nice to me, and I find myself really enjoying his company.  And after all of those doubts, it makes me second guess if me being with Tom is really the right thing?

I love Tom, I really really do.  I love him and I never ever want to hurt him, but I’ve had some aweful thoughts lately.. and I feel so guilty about it it makes me want to hurt myself sometimes.  It’s just so hard because I’m here with this guy who I hold as my best friend currently, and he tells me these sweet things and how he would treat me if I were his or whatever, and I find myself thinking… I have a boyfriend whom I love, but he never says anything like that to me.. urgh.. I don’t even know where I’m trying to go with this.. it’s all so damn confusing in my mind.

I guess what I’m trying to say is I want to know what Tom wants out of our relationship.  I want to know why I am going to have to make all the sacrifices in order for us to be together, and I want to know if he really means what he says when he tells me he loves me.  I want to know that if I change my life to be with him, it’s going to be worth it.  I want to know if he’s going to hold me at night even though it might not be comfortable for him, and I want to know if he’d watch me sleep like I’ve done to him so many nights and I want to know if he appreciates me as much as I appreciate him.. Because if not..

I mean we never have anything really to say to each other anymore, and the more we talk the more frustrated I get it seems…

I just want to know… 

It bothers me that my best friend can make me feel more precious to him then my boyfriend can.