sigh.. the pains of life

I think it’s funny how when I started this diary I used to write in it so often, and now, it’s not that I don’t want to, but just the fact that there really isn’t any time for it anymore.  And how even the people that I have had in my favorites since I started writing hardly update.  This site… man.  It’s changed my life like 3 times over.  It’s so weird to think about the events that led up to me writing in here.  And how I never would have gone some of the places, or never known any of the people who I still hold dear to me if I didn’t have this diary.  I think it’s kinda cool.  Yet sad because I don’t talk to alot of those people anymore.  We either lost contact, they stopped writing or life just took over.  It’s how I met my boyfriend : )  and now I’m wondering where that’s going to lead.

Some choices in life are just too hard to handle sometimes.  I know what I want to do with my relationship.  I want to be able to be strong enough to move up there with Tom and just be with him and live like I’ve lived in my dreams for the past year.  I want to be happy with him without any distractions or people telling me “it’s long distance it’ll never work out.”  But lately, I just don’t see how any of that is going to happen and I’m fearing that all those people may be right. 

It’s a scary thought. 

I don’t see it happening because one, we both don’t have enough money or the right jobs to support ourselves.  And as much as I try to save up it seems like one thing after another will happen to where I’ll end up having to spend it or give it to my mom.  We’re in a really tight pinch right now, and it sucks.  And Two, I am the only one willing to do anything for the relationship.  That kind of sucks.  I mean, I’m going to be changing my whole life for him.  That is very scary for me.  I don’t have alot of trust in guys, just because of some of the things I’ve gone throught I guess.  I mean I love Tom and I trust him or else I would have never given him my all.  And I hope that he doesn’t break that trust.  But I don’t think the boy is willing to give up his life either.  I know he won’t move down here.  So here it is, our relationship in my hands.. and I’m just wondering where I should set it down.  The more I think about it the more unrealistic it seems.  It’s so depressing… and I don’t know if I can wait how ever many YEARS it’d take for us to really be able to be together, because if we keep spending all of our money on plane tickets where is that going to get us…??

So my mind has been reeling.. (sp?)   and I’m feeling a little lost.  I talk to him about it, but he always seems like he wants to avoid the conversation.  I don’t blame him, it scares me too.  Either way, the break up or the moving foreward. 

I just can’t wait to see him in 2 weeks, maybe that’ll be some reasurance. >_<