11/24/2013

Oh, god, what have I done? My ‘break-up’ friend… Fuck it, I’ll use her name because I have in the past and using made up names suck. Okay, my friend Whitney is coming over tomorrow. You see, we were emailing a few minutes ago, and she said she might not be able to make it next week because she might be moving then (assuming she hears back from this woman she’s trying to rent a room from). Because I know the longer we delay, the less likely it is we’ll talk, I told her that she could come tomorrow instead, as I was already to make pasta anyway. What a fool I am! My place is still a wreck. My bathroom is… Let’s just say it’s a good thing I live alone. I passed it off like it was totally cool and I’d be cleaning anyway, but I have so much work to do. But, talking to her is really important right now.

Let’s backtrack a bit. All this week, I’ve been trying to work out how exactly to explain that my wanting to hang out with her is not some attempt to get in her pants. I’m not really interested in having a romantic relationship with her, so I’m trying to figure out a way to say that, that doesn’t make me look like an ass… Which then devolves in to me having mental conversations with her while I’m at work. Which then lead me to recall something that happened the last time we talked. When I told her that a relationship between us would be a train wreck, she kind of looked away and said "yeah, two depressive people…" and trailed off. At the time, I thought it was because of my old crush on her (which we have discussed and worked out a long time ago). I also wanted to make it clear to her that I wouldn’t accept if she asked me out, as I would feel like she was (on some level) using that one crush to get someone to give her affection when she has said that she’s not interested in me. So, she acts that way when I bring it up, after which I quickly switched topics, and now I’m really wondering if I missed a signal there. Maybe she’s changed her mind and I offended her and now she’s doing what I’m did, choosing to be friends over the risk of being in a relationship and losing the friendship if it ends.

This leads me to debate what exactly I’m willing to do and where I stand with her. I do find her attractive. I have never denied it and did tell her she’s attractive when we spoke, but as a friend supporting a friend. I know that a relationship with her would be a disaster, especially this soon after a major break up. But, the more I think, the more I discover. I came to the conclusion that I would be willing to have Friends-With-Benefits situation with her, as I do wonder what she’s like in bed (but I wonder that about just about every woman I know), I’d rather that she fool around with a friend rather than picking up someone and starting a new, doomed relationship, and I wouldn’t mind getting laid. 2+ years is a long, lonesome time. However, I’m not sure how to present this to her in the right way. On the one hand, I’m telling her that I don’t want to be romantic, but I’d gladly have sex with her. I’m aware of how many mixed signals that sends out and how risky it is. I could loose her as a friend by making her think I only want to fuck her. Which isn’t true.

Talk about crazy, right? My thinking, as of right now, is to tell her that I’m not looking to start something with her and leave it there. I will ask her why she seemed uncomfortable because of what I said. Depending on her response, I might tell her the rest, but I’m not taking any risks. I’d rather have her as a friend then have her back off because she thinks I’m just trying to get my rocks off. I will, however, offer platonic cuddling, as I think we could both use that.

I just need to get my brain thinking, not my dick. I’m not even trying to suggest that we do this, as it could change things for the worse and I’m not okay with that. I’m just trying to present to her what I’m willing to do, which is not the same as what I want to do. If that makes any sense. I just need to play it cool and know that this will pass.

Now, I need to become a cleaning dervish. Or something.

Ohgodohgodohgodohgod….