Eight: Stranger Days

She cuts herself to forget him
And every time her wounds get deeper
Tonight’s the night she’s gonna shed her skin
Cause she’s thinkin that he doesn’t need her
She’s wishing all this would end
And she’s gonna try to take her own life again

Wish It’d Stop

SO I am not sure if I ever talked about this in my blog or not but I have been in a relationship for over 3.5 years. Things have been amazing for the most part but when it rains, it pours. Though our problems are limited, there is absoutley one that we cannot get passed: his drug and lying problem. The thing is – these problems go hand in hand.

Everytime he spends “time” with his cousin, they end up doing drugs together and I have told him on numerous occasions that if he wants me in his life, the drugs and lying has to stop. Apparently he thinks “what I don’t know, won’t hurt me” but I am not a dumbass and always know. Eventually he tells me, and gives me the basic excuses that all drug addicts do. This would be said and fine except: we have a roommate as well.

I’ve tried to kick my boy-friend out and leave myself but it never works out. One of us always cracks. I feel so worthless and unloved. I feel alone and friendless in the middle of this. You see my roommmate is friends with both us so I can’t really talk to him about it, and my sister just tells me I should’ve left a long time. I am in a college town where I don’t know anyone and I have no idea how to drive. I’m almost stuck here.

What did I do to deserve this?

On top of that, my health is fading. I have two large “knots” that came up on my groin. I went to the doctor who said even though they are my lymph nodes, they are not infection and I need a biopsy done. I haven’t been able to keep anything down and I am wondering if that is from my diet pill use. I am going to stop taking them for awhile. Sometimes, I just feel like dying.

I don’t even know what to say anymore. It’s like when I try to talk about my feelings, they feel so irrelevant that I feel ashamed. Someone always has it worse than me and here I am…complaining.

I recently stuck a lighter to my wrist and watched it burn. However, I was aware of the nasty scar it would leave and stopped. Then I impulsively stuck it to my hair extensions and it started to smell. I was at my mothers when this happened, not my apartment. I had to come to my senses. Help me?

Thank you so much for reading.

Sincerely,

Katrina.