NoJoMo Day 28!

Holy Smokes!!! I am two entries away from COMPLETEING NoJoMo all the way through!!! Woot! That never happens!! 

Just so you know this is going to be a VENT entry. If you dont want to read it i completely understand…. Excuse the bad words …..

I have had so much on my brain the last few weeks. Days I feel like its all on a hault and days where I am terrified that it is going to over power me! Things just dont seem right sometimes. I always imagined when I was bringing a child into this world that i would have my shit together. I would have a career, a reliable vehicle and most importantly a roof to put over its head. And Latley I am not feeling like that will ever happen. My car sucks, my job isnt shit, and a roof? well if it wasnt for my parents i probably wouldnt have one over my own head right now.

Cody has been busting ass filling out applications. Emailing, calling trying to find SOMETHING!!!! ANYTHING!!!! Even Mcdonalds, wendys, arbys Anything you can think of. Hes willing to stop doing the one thing he loves more than life it self just to go to work everyday. And still Nothing is coming his way. He sits there in tears wondering what he is going to do and why he is "such a failure" and it breaks my fucking heart!! He wants to move the world for me and babygirl. He wants us to not NEED anything but beable to afford the things we WANT. He wants a home to call ours to wake up next to us everyday and go to bed with us everynight. So why the hell is the universe against all of those things?!?!?! i WILL NOT live without him when baby girl gets here. I can’t. and I won’t.

Cody was told the other day that unless he comes up with $300 dollars by December 15th he needs to move out. UMMM are you Fucking kidding me?!?!??! 300 DOLLARS??? FOR A COUCH?!?!?!  IN A LIVING ROOM THAT HAS MULTIPLE PEOPLE WALKING THROUGH IT 24/7!!!! Um i dont think so. Not happening! *** This coming from the person who in the last 8 years i have known her has NEVER had a PAYING JOB!!!!!!! Has 5 kids of her own, on food stamps, medicaid and FOOD BANKS every month…… And a man who has been offered MULTIPLE jobs but refuses EVERY ONE OF THEM for NO real reason! these people live in a 5 bedroom house that the grandma pays the rent at while she is (AT 75 YEARS OLD) A live in CNA for someone on hospise and is never even home.. UM… What? *** They are constantly on Codys ass while he sits on the computer for hours filling out applications wondering why he hasnt gotten a job yet, when hes going to be able to move out, what hes going to do when babygirl gets here….. He NEEDS out of this place…

I love these people, dont get me wrong. They are WONDERFUL people and will do anything they can for the people they love but where is this even close to right?  But this time i cant get it out of my head that while Cody has No where to go on the 15th and they know that why they are being the way they are. When they only have all they have because of his MOM. What are they going to do when she dies? What are they going to do when she is the one who needs to be taken care of and they cant even get off their asses long enough to either get a job or keep the one they have or have been offered.

Sigh.. im bitter. Im angry. im scared.       I am just ready for a good thing to come our way… for something to turn around for us.   Im so tired of being more stressed about this beautiful little peanut then i sometimes am excited.

Im tired of trying to hold it together. With a smile on my face.

Rant over… Going to go try to relax….