Poison

 I feel that there is something in the air as of late. It doesn’t seem to be anything good. 

I am starting to feel like people are trying to poison my head. I feel like 1 person may be doing it on purpose, the others are just innocent bystanders of this topic. 

But I have to admit, it is having an affect  on me. I find myself thinking about things differently..about what I deserve..what I need. I have this ring on my finger, and every time I look at it, I see Josh. When I want something out of the day, or out of him that I know I am not going to get at that particular time, I look at it and it almost replaces what I can’t have. 

but then there is this part of my. Does this rung symbolize what it should? Or was it a panic buy because of what he thought I was getting him? I am sure the first is true..but sometimes the poison gets to be too much in my head. 

There are going to be a lot of people in the years that are going to seem like ‘your type’..but you move past that stuff because you are with the person you want to be with. There are always going to be temptations and other people that may look more appealing then what you currently have. But those moments..those moments that no one sees, that you may not want others to see..those are what matter the most. Those days when I scratch his head, or take care of him when he is sick..or whatever the case may be..I mean those have to count for something? so when some girl looks DTF, those will trump some shady thoughts that may enter into play. Right? Am I even making sense?

ugh. 

Sometimes I feel like I am grasping at moments. We were doing laundry yesterday and he reached out for my hand and then laid his head down in it. i know I am probably a needy person..and I definitely don’t get as much attention or affection as I want (which is not a bad thing) so I find myself dwelling in those moments..trying to soak in that feeling. 

I don’t even know what I am getting at anymore. 

So i am just going to stop. 

if this was confusing to you, you should be inside my head.