If you call me now baby I’d come a runnin

I am depressed.

It’s funny thinking I used to know what being depressed felt  like.

I am in a hole and the surface is slowly getting higher and higher.

Thursday is 6 months. It has been 6 months since I have seen my dad. 6 months and a week since I have heard his voice. 6 months since I have seen him force a smile and kiss at us with a breathing tube in. I have never felt this depressed before because lets face it, I have never really had anything to feel this depressed about. i dont openly talk about how I am feeling with most people, that would take me actually having to see people.

I am not trying to push people away. I don’t go out because I can’t force myself to feel that normal again. I can’t hide my envy towards people that can go home and hug both their parents. I don’t  go out because it is not fair of me to to be jealous of people that dont fear forgetting what thier dads voice sounds like or all the silly inside jokes.

I can’t hold the tears back right now, I guess I can only do that during the day. I feel like I am a shell and am watching myself function from somewhere else.

I walk in the door and immediately look upstairs thinking I will see him reading on the couch. I look across the kitchen table thinking i am going to see him make the chipmunk face at me.

I dont want to go through Thursday. I dont want to go through his birthday on the 20th. I dont want to go through thanksgiving.

Not if I have to go through it without my dad.

maybe tonight will be the night where I will go to sleep and wake up tomorrow having this all be a bad dream.