Whewwwww,,,,,

Where do I start i really dont know what to say i feel so closed in and captivated…. There is no one or anything physically holding me down but i feel like it doesnt matter how hard i try or how bad i really want some thing, i cant have it! I am a single mom of one, She is four and her dad gets her on the weekends… He has a live in girlfriend who makes 2wise the amount he will ever make! She is nice and she takes good care of Caylen when she is over there…. I guess you could say i am a bit jealous of her… Cause she has the Charlie I always wanted… (charlie being my soon to be ex husband aka Caylen’s Dad) Caylen being my 4 year old little girl) Now Alicia – Charlie’s Girlfriend, has always been nice to me, but she again has everyting out of him i always wanted! As in, he is calmer, he is more stable (holding one job down for a long period of time) Not getting into any major troublle with his dad! So I feel like why was i not good enough to get what he gave her? And I do Hate sometime how close her and Caylen are cause when i have Caylen it is when I just got done woeking all day and I am stressed and tired and, and, and well you know! The end of the day and you worked hard all day long, you just want to go home and relax, and go to a peicefull place, and in saying that I should mention that right now I live with my mom, Step dad, and my younger brother Chrs! This is a busy house…. and my parents get onto me in front of caylen all the time for everything… Weather it has to do with me doing or not doing something… OR Getting onto Caylen in a way I should not be! I mean HELLO this is why she has no respect for me, or listens to me… Cause she knows all she has to do is do it in front of them, and i cant do anything about it! Also….. Me and My Best friend AKA Wendy (who i became friends through Charlie becasue his cousin is her husband) We fight like cats and dogs… Mainly cause she loves to stirr the pot… and right now she is 5 1/2 months prego! So that just adds to it! OK Well Jeff (My boy friend/Lover) is married as well as i am and he just told his wife about us and she use to be a customer of mine but then she just stopped coming around! sooo she claims (says to me) that they are over but… when i here her talk to him its another story….. She loves him and wants to work it out and by the way they have been married for 18 years, he is 41 and i am 24….. Soooooo Before you think what the hell is she thinking, just know that i love this man! Sooooo very much! I have never felt this way about anyone before…. EVER! Sooo….. I want so much to just be able to move in with him, start working on completing my family… And take care of OUR Family… I want to be his and I want him to be mine! I love him so much and we have only been seeing each other for 4 1/2 months! So putting all this together, i feel like i am a bad mom, i am fat and ugly, i will never amount to anything, i cant get a good job, i will never have any money, he wont be faithful to me, and everyone is not looking at me but down at me!! Where do i go from all of that? How do i change how i see and feel things? What am i suppose to do from this moment?

Christine Elizabeth @}———