Horrible (edit)

I logged in to write about something in particular (Noah has a job interview in another city next week) but now I’m distracted. Because before starting to write, I glanced at my notes, which are….well, a few of them are not exactly friendly. Which is fine, I know my situation really doesn’t make any sense to anyone but me. My knee-jerk reaction, when I hear things that are negative about me, is to just kind of nod and agree. But for some reason, it just annoyed me this time. Because despite what my notes say, I’m not a horrible person. I don’t believe that at all.

Most people I know have some sort of home base and support network. I don’t. I never have. The first time I ever heard the words "I love you," I was 15. The person who said it used me for sex, and then totally threw me away. My mom maybe loved me, I don’t know. If she did, she never told me. She did tell me she hated me, often while throwing bottles at my head. I learned really early in life that I was alone, that I had no one to fall back on, or depend on. And I’ve managed to make a pretty good life for myself in spite of that, or maybe because of it. Whatever the case, I’ve left the bad things in my childhood behind.

And now I get a chance to shape another person’s life, and give her the things I never had and always wanted. It’s absolutely beautiful, to see the way she smiles at me….just pure happiness, and absolute, instinctual trust. And I think I do a really good job with her, and she has a great life, and I’m a good mother. And just that fact alone makes me really unable to agree with anyone who would call me a horrible person. I’m not. I’m a good person who makes mistakes. Just like everyone else.

But I’m in a total mess of a situation. And if you want to judge me for it, then I guess go ahead. But I really am just trying to do the best I can, without really any guidance or experience with this, or anything to help.

Baby absolutely loves her daddy. It’s a beautiful thing to see them together. When he comes home from work, she gets the hugest grin and shouts "dada!" and then cries if he doesn’t pick her up within about 10 seconds. And he always picks her up. And kisses her, and sings to her, and lifts her over his head and "flies" her around the apartment, and she coos and giggles, and just loves every second of it. If I make a choice not to be with him, she won’t have that anymore. I know she could still get to see him, but it wouldn’t be every day, and it wouldn’t be the same. And he loves me so much….if I left him, and took away his baby, it would break him.

I have a chance to give my baby a real family, and that’s not something I can just give up on. Not when I know how it feels not to have that.

But then I don’t know where that leaves Mike. I love him more than I’ve ever loved anyone (besides Baby, but that’s a different kind of love). He’s the only person I’ve ever completely trusted. I can tell him things I’ve never told anyone, and whatever I tell him he just makes me feel like he loves me more for telling it. He makes me laugh, and smile, and he makes me feel more loved than I ever have before. I can’t just throw all of that away. But I can’t act on it without throwing away my family. But I finally have someone I can count on, and trust, and I’ve been missing that my whole life. I feel like Mike is kind of the piece of me that’s always been missing.

So yes, I’m maybe doing things wrong by not telling Noah that I’m in love with another man. But I’m trying my best, and I don’t think any of this makes me a horrible person. And telling Noah that would break his heart. And losing either Noah or Mike would break mine. But I can’t have them both. So I still don’t know what to do.

(edit)

I’ve made people worried about their notes now. 🙂 Sorry! The notes I was talking about were very obviously negative….if you have to ask if I meant yours, then I’m not talking about you. Promise.