Apology

So, he’s sorry. And we’re mostly ok now. He apologized right away when I woke up yesterday morning, and not one of those half-apologies ("I’m sorry you feel that way") but a real, genuine, "I was completely in the wrong" apology.

He was stressed, and horny, and just not really thinking with the right brain. And now that he’s back to being rational, he feels really bad about it, because we have sex pretty much every day, and he says I’m really, really good to him in that way and he should never have made me feel bad for having one random off night. So I think that’s pretty much resolved…I can’t really stay mad at him about it when he’s apologized.

We’ve been talking a lot since then, though. He said he thinks he was reacting a little bit to feeling like I’ve been kind of distant with him lately, and he worries a lot about whether he pushed me too hard about getting married. He said that in his mind, he knows he wants to be married to me, so it just seems like a waste of time to wait, especially since we don’t have some big, elaborate wedding to plan. I said that I know he’s been wanting to get married and have a kid for years now, but I never thought I wanted either of those things until I actually got pregnant, so I’m just kind of needing a little time to get caught up or something. And I admitted to him that I’m absolutely terrified of the idea of getting married in less than 3 months. That I know we already live together, and have a baby together, but marriage is a scary thing for me…it’s something that I really do think I want (to settle down with someone and be married) but this all happened really fast and I’m scared about it.

He was actually really understanding about the whole thing. He said he wonders sometimes if our age difference is a factor, in that I feel like I have a lot of time to wait to get married, while he sort of feels like now that he’s 40 he wants to already be there. I told him I don’t really think that’s it, exactly, because there are plenty of girls younger than me who put a lot of pressure on themselves to get married, it’s more just that I suck at relationships, and commitment, and I just need enough time to ease into it without feeling pressured.

So we’re not getting married in April. We’re still engaged, just not with a set wedding date, and I feel like a HUGE weight has been lifted. I said that honestly I don’t really want to set a date way in advance, and feel like there’s this slow countdown….I’d rather just do it when it feels right for both of us, and maybe when Baby is old enough that I can leave her overnight so we can actually have something of a honeymoon, or at least a wedding night by ourselves.

So that’s kind of resolved for now, I think. And yes, I know several of my notes are going to point out that it’s ridiculous that I’m having these conversations with him without acknowledging the fact that I’m in love with someone else. So here’s me acknowledging it. But you’re crazy if you think I’m going to talk about that with Noah! Plus, I don’t really think I’d have much of a leg to stand on with the whole "I’m terrified of commitment in general" thing, if he knew that I wouldn’t really hesitate at all if Mike asked me to be with him for the rest of my life.