I’ve been putting off this entry…

…but I suppose I need to write about it at some point, and try to actually get a handle on what the hell I want. I’ve been getting a lot of notes, whenever I write about the whole Noah/Mike situation, that keep asking the same two basic questions: do I still love Noah, and who the hell is Mike. 🙂 (most of what I’ve written about Mike is in friends-only entries, so some of the notes sound REALLY confused about it)

I’ve been a little paralyzed with writing about the whole situation lately, partly because whatever I write, Mike will read it, and I don’t want to hurt him by writing about my feelings for Noah (so I guess, note to Mike: you might not want to read this entry), and partly because I’m so fucking confused by the whole thing, don’t really know how I feel or what I want to do, and can’t get enough of a handle on anything to put together any coherent thoughts. But I’ll try…

So, to the first question: yes, of course I still love Noah! I’ve been in love with him for a long time, and in a lot of ways he’s kind of perfect for me. He gets me, he understands and accepts all my damage, he makes me laugh, makes me smile, he can make me lightheaded with just a kiss…and he supports me in everything I do, and is an amazing father to our baby, despite having absolutely nothing in the way of a role model in that regard. Noah is wonderful.

He’s also flawed (as is everyone, obviously). He has his addiction issues that are always lurking under the surface, and I’m always just a little bit worried when he goes out somewhere that he won’t come home. There are sides of him that I’ve never seen, that scare me a little bit. In the past he had a lot of trouble managing his anger, used to get in pretty scary, violent fights a lot, and all that. I’ve never seen him act that way at ALL, and he seems to have it under control, but I wonder sometimes if the anger is lurking there along with the addiction.

So I love him, and I mostly trust him, but I worry at times that he’s someone who could really hurt me someday (I don’t worry so much that he would physically hurt me, more just that the ugly parts of him could surface and destroy everything we have in a really painful way. And I really don’t want Baby to have to witness any of that). But for the most part, I’m happy with him, and I can picture spending my life with him.

And then there’s Mike. People keep asking me various versions of "who IS this guy," and I’m not sure how well I can answer that….partly because while he’s fine with me writing about him here, he’s asked me not to share his personal details, and I obviously need to honor that. And partly because all I could really give would be a list of reasons why I like him. Which doesn’t even kind of explain why I love him so much…love is an irrational, intangible thing, and I don’t have reasons for it.

But I love him, deeply. I can picture having a life with him, I think about falling asleep with him every night and waking up together in the morning, I even think sometimes about how I’d fit into his family, which is normally a very weird and scary thing to me. I trust him, completely. And none of those things are things that I feel very often. He knows every skeleton in my closet, and still loves me. He’s opened up to me enough to show me some of his insecurities and his damage, and knowing that stuff makes me love him more. Basically, while you can never predict the course a relationship would take, I know for an absolute fact that Mike would never intentionally hurt me. He makes me feel safe, and happy, and I can’t stop wanting him. Lately I’ve been staying up way too late so I can talk to him after Noah goes to bed, and in some way feel like we’re ending the night together (which might sound stupid, but…oh well). If I go a day without hearing from him (which is really, really rare…there have only been a handful of days in the last year when we haven’t talked), I miss him like crazy. I keep falling for him harder and harder, and I’m in way over my head, and I don’t know what to do.

If it were a simple choice between two men, who could both easily make me happy, I’d choose Mike. But it’s not simple. It’s not just that Noah and I have a baby together (which is obviously a pretty big factor). Mike lives halfway across the country from me, and being with him would mean not just leaving Noah, but taking his baby far away from him, when he’s done absolutely nothing to deserve that. I can’t do that to him. So as much as I might want to give it a try with Mike, it feels like there’s not a realistic way to make it happen.

So for the moment, I’ve decided to try and move forward with Noah, and be happy where I am. And Mike knows this, and thinks it’s the right decision….but it’s not simple. I can’t just cut Mike out of my life. He’s really important to me, I’ve known him longer than I’ve known anyone else in my life, and honestly whenever someone leaves a note saying something like "cut off all contact with Mike," it almost makes me want to laugh because that feels completely impossible. I can’t imagine my life without him, really.

But I don’t have a clue how to be "just friends" with him, and that’s not really what either of us wants. But I can’t be more than friends with him and have a realistic shot at a future with Noah. So I’m right back to what the fuck do I do?

I know my confusion in all of this is probably hard to understand. I know it seems like the answer is to pick one path and stick with it, and not look back. But how do I handle it when picking one path means losing one of my best friends (either way I choose, I’d feel like that)?

I’ve never really had any sense of permanence in my life. I have a mom somewhere (if she’s still alive…I actually don’t even know that), but I never felt like she was there for me, or like I could count on her. And I never knew anyone else in my family. I don’t have "childhood friends." I have a really hard time ever forming lasting relationships (of any kind), because I just don’t ever expect them to last, and I don’t tend to count on people.

So while other people I know have a network to fall back on when things fall apart, I don’t have that. There are 4 people in the world who I feel like I have more than a superficial connection with, and two of them don’t even live in the same state as me. So to lose one of those people would leave a massive, gaping hole in my life, that I don’t know how to fill. It’s not as simple as "just stop talking to Mike," because I need him. And I need Noah. And it sucks a lot that I really can’t have them both.

And that’s about all I can think of to say on the topic. I don’t really expect anyone to fully get it, but that’s the best I can explain. I don’t know what to do at all….I’m kind of lost with this whole thing.