Excited! +pics

19-week belly pic taken before the reveal cake on Saturday:

 

My baby girl is TWO!!  I am having a BOY!!  What a freaking weekend! =D

 

Thank you for all the lovely comments on my last entry!  I really wish I could post the reveal video because it’s adorable.  I’ve watched it a hundred times now probably, lol.  I’m going to upload it to a different site that’s not password protected and see if I can get it to work from there.  I was just sooo sure it was a girl the whole beginning of the pregnancy, then we got the hint at 14 weeks that it might be a boy so we got excited about that, then I heard they get it wrong a lot that early, etc, and I went back and forth and back and forth.  It was truly a surprise when I cut into that cake!  I was so happy that I was crying afterwards.  I think I would have no matter which gender it was, but it was just so nice to finally know and to really start picturing in my head this little baby we’re going to meet.  

 

His name is Caden Baker B*****, by the way. =)  Baker was my father’s middle name (sorry dad, but I wasn’t putting Dwight in there, lol) so that is special to me.  And I know Caden was more of a popular name a few years ago, but heck, we already have an Emily so the whole using a popular name ship has already sailed. =)  I really like it and the few times I referred to him by his name it felt right.  

 

HIM!  HE!  I don’t have to call him “it” or “the baby” anymore!! =D

 

I have to admit it sort of feels like a whole different experience now though!  I mean, I’ve been pregnant with a girl and would have been thrilled to have another, but I think I would have felt more prepared somehow since I’ve already been through everything with a girl? It doesn’t really make sense, but it sort of does, lol.  Now I have to worry about pee spraying and a penis and all sorts of stuff I didn’t have to think about with Emily, lol!  I’m sure it will become second nature quickly, but it will be interesting figuring out.

 

Bryan is ecstatic. =) This is a hilarious picture and we laughed a lot when we first saw it.  It’s the moment we saw the inside of the cake was blue:

 

 

We look ridiculous, but it is so genuine, lol.  He is really happy it’s a boy for a lot of reasons, but the main one is that he didn’t want Emily to feel “replaced” by another girl and he kind of likes that she will be his only little girl now (probably).  It is nice that we can say to her that she is the best daughter in the world, blah blah blah, not having to worry about offending another daughter, etc.  I don’t know if that crap actually comes up, but if it did, we don’t have to worry about that now I guess.  I’m sure there will be sibling jealousy, of course..

 

Speaking of subsequent pregnancies, I’m feeling more and more confident that two children will be enough for us.  Even before we found out it was a boy I was starting to feel that way.  I mean, just thinking about going on trips and being outnumbered by children doesn’t sound like fun.  If we went to Disney Land there would be a parent for each child to ride with and no one would be left out.  We want to do private education, which is expensive, obviously, and it will be a lot harder paying for three children vs. two.  I feel like I will be able to give adequate attention and love and time to two and I feel iffy about being able to do that for three.  There’s something just sosad about being done though..you know?  Is this my last pregnancy?  Will I never get to experience this again?  I feel like I need to figure it out now because I have issues with birth control.  Because of my uterine anomaly I can’t have an IUD or anything placed in my uterus, and because of hormonal issues it’s given me in the past and the fact I already have a hormonal imbalance, I can’t be on any hormonal birth control.  We’re not going to use condoms…we’re just not.  We would end up never having sex or doing it recklessly, a

nd I am apparently extremely fertile now so I don’t want to risk that.  I really do not want an unplanned pregnancy.  So what’s my other options?  I feel like I’ve tried all forms of birth control that were available.  I did the sponge (which is no longer available, at least in our area) and the diaphragm doesn’t work because of my extremely tilted canal.  

 

I think I am actually going to start asking questions about getting my tubes tied during the c-section, *sigh*.  

 

But will I never get to have another tiny squishy baby after this!?  ARGGG.  NOT a reason to have another child if that’s not what I truly want, but still extremely sad in my mind.  I’m obviously still not at peace with the idea completely.  I feel like I’m settled on the fact that two is the number, but I’m having a very hard time letting go of everything that comes with that.  It’s like a part of my life is ending if it’s over…which isn’t necessarily a bad thing.  But…but…but…

 

Anyways, I will ask the doctor about it and see my options.  I know you can still do IVF if you have your tubes tied, so it’s not like it would be IMPOSSIBLE to have more children if it came down to it.  Another problem is my marriage seems to have difficulties when we have very small children anyways and adding not having sex at all into that makes it worse.  I would like to get intimacy back into our relationship and start trying to finally improve our marriage again when we get past that stage that seems to be so hard for us.  I told Bryan I don’t think it will be any different this time with a new baby.  We’ve talked about it a bit and I explained to him how he made me feel and he feels bad about it..but he never thinks he does anything wrong, so I have doubts it will change.  He’s just so insensitive about a lot of things.

 

Which brings me to the lovely topic of his parents.  I know why Bryan is the way he is.  I really struggle with it sometimes until we deal with his parents, and then I feel guilty for blaming him for the way he is.  He really has overcome so much and it’s amazing he’s as normal as he is.  He just doesn’t know how to have a “normal” relationship because of them.  So I wrote about us going to his mom’s work on Mother’s Day and then she came over to my mom’s house (shockingly) afterwards and brought us our Christmas gifts.  The reason they said they would never come and visit at my mom’s is because my mom never formally invited them.  So my mom called and formally invited them a little over a week ago, told them the time for the reveal party on Saturday, the time of Emily’s birthday party on Sunday, and said they are very welcome to come to either one or both.  My mom talked to Bryan’s mom and said she sounded very happy and told my mom she would call her back.

 

Never called back.  Never showed up to either party.  It’s like we knew it would happen..but it didn’t make it any less heartbreaking for Bryan I don’t think.  He hid it well, but I know it bugged him.  He tried calling them on Sunday night after the time my mom said the party would start (they ALWAYS answer the phone) and they didn’t pick up.  I thought that would be the end of it, the final conclusion of any effort to try to get them to be a part of our lives, but Bryan decided to call them again last night.

 

He called three times and his mom picked up on the last ring of the third try, sounding rather annoyed and wanting to know why he was calling.  He informed her we’re having a boy, which it’s my understanding didn’t get more than a “that’s great”, and it went downhill from there.  He asked why they didn’t come to either party, or even call, and she said that Bryan’s dad wanted to talk with him first.  So, there’s the next excuse we were waiting for.  Still doesn’t explain why they didn’t call, but nothing is going to make sense with these people.  And everyone knows that a “talk” is going to do nothing more than escalate everything.  His dad is an awful, terrible person and Bryan isn’t going to make nice with him, so there’s no point.  

 

It somehow got to the point where Bryan was saying what an awful father he was, and was going over all these things

he remembers (one being his dad completely drunk and crawling on the floor with blood all over his face) and his mom just laughed at them like they were funny stories.  He was a little kid when he saw that, like 8 years old!  It was terrifying, I’m sure!  And she just laughed.  She eventually got angry at Bryan and started defending his dad and I know the conversation ended shortly after that.  It’s clear that she has made her choice.  She is choosing an abusive,alcoholic asshole over her children and grandchildren.  And at some point during the call she said if she had known back then what she knows now, she never would have married him.  Yet she still chooses him now.

 

It occurred to me today that they made their choice some time ago though.  We hadn’t heard from them in probably over a year.  They don’t ever call, they don’t send cards, nothing.  They have never made a single effort.  Bryan is the one who decided to go see his mom on Mother’s Day.  Then that somehow evolved into trying to get them to care again.  It just..isn’t going to happen.  They’ve written us off.  And I can’t pretend to know how Bryan is feeling.  I can’t just tell him to let it go.  It’s his parents and I totally get that.  He deserves to feel however he feels towards them.  So as much as I’d like to say this is the end of it with them, and even though it probably will be for a long time, I’m not going to pretend that it is.  He will probably shock me in a few years and want to see his mom again.  

 

It’s just a sad, sad thing all around.  I mean, he’s a few months away from the birth of his son and his parents will probably never know when that actually happens.  He’s not going to get a happy call and no one from his immediate family will visit.  That just doesn’t exist for him.  I wish I could take away that pain, but I can’t.  I’m glad he has a pseudo family in mine though.  My aunt and cousin called after the cake reveal and wanted to talk with him and really do include him as part of our family.  My whole family loves him and I know he knows that at least.  

 

Anyways, that is that.  Bryan has the next three weeks off which is great!  I should be getting off of work early today and the weather isn’t too terrible, so I see a lot of park time and outside play the next few weeks. =)

 

I love visiting at my mom’s house and I would go every weekend if I could, but maaan I need to sleep in my bed now.  I’ve already got the system down that worked in my last pregnancy with two extra pillows and a body pillow.  It’s heaven.  But my shoulders and neck killed me every morning sleeping at my mom’s and I woke up a million times.  I think I’m only going to sleep well in my bed until Caden comes!  Emily didn’t sleep too well while we were there either and I’m thinking it’s because she’s getting to big for the pack-n-play.  We’re at that awkward stage with her where she’s not ready for a toddler bed, but sleeping with us isn’t a great option because we’re just not used to it anymore (neither is she) and she wakes up the second light hits the room and she realizes we’re there with her.  It’s only an issue if we’re not at home, but still an issue nonetheless.  She fought going to sleep every night we were there.  She fell asleep past 11pm Friday night and woke up at 5:30 on Saturday morning crying for me.  Fortunately if she really hasn’t had enough sleep and I take her to bed, even if it’s light out, she will usually fall back asleep if Bryan and I just lay there pretending (at least I am) like we’re sleeping.  So she fell back asleep and I got this picture:

 

 

It was the gender reveal day and I was too excited (and uncomfortable) to go back asleep so I just snuggled with my baby on her LASSST day of being a one-year-old. =)  I’m going to write a different entry about her birthday and with all those pictures because it deserves one for itself. =)

 

Knowing that Emily isn’t ready for a toddler bed, we’re not going to force her into one just so Caden can have her crib.  Plus, her crib converts into a toddler bed and then it converts even further into the headboard and footboard of a twin bed, so she can just continue using it through the years.  We love that crib though and just decided to get the same one for Caden.  I looked it up yesterday and HOLY CRAP, did we really spend that much money on a crib!? LOL!  But we’re refusing to buy cheaper stuff on the principle that it’s the second child and we already went all out for the first, so we’ll order the damn crib.  He is getting a lot of hand-me-downs regardless though.  W

e are moving the changing table from Em’s room to his room, the glider and the dresser.  It all matches and it will be a good transition.  Plus the dresser has the TINIEST drawers and we’re going to use that for Caden’s baby clothes and upgrade Emily to a bigger dresser.  Both rooms are going to look so different!  It will be nice having more space in Emily’s room since she’s got so many toys.  I hope the change doesn’t upset her.  We’ve figured out essentially how we want to paint the new nursery, but we have to pick out the specific colors.  I won’t give away too much (I’ll post pictures when it’s done) but it involves big stripes, so it’s more than one color that we have to get.  We are buying new closet doors that swing out instead of rolling open and close.  It’s not the biggest closet, but that should make it seem a little bigger and it will be much easier to get to the clothes.  All the trim around the room, the windows in the room, around the door and the door itself are going to need to be painted..so we need to get started ASAP!  We’ll probably pick out paint some time in the next week. =)

 

So, a lot of exciting stuff going on!  It always seems more real and more imminent when the nursery comes together, at least for me, so I’m really excited to get that going.  October will be here before we know it!  

 

All right, I could literally blather on and on, but I’ll leave it at that.  I still have to go through all of Emily’s birthday pictures, and then her two-year well check is this Friday, so I’ll probably write that entry this weekend. <3

 

~Sheralyn