Miserable

wowzer…. i haven’t felt this low or suicidal in a long time. That said im sure yall wondering what happened between me n J.  I seriously think me not having a job. is really taking its toll on us. and its one of the endless tests that our relationship isn’t based on sex. Yes he’s a little inadequate in the length department but he is so much more than that. Can u imagine anyone meeting in a chat room and then moving out of his comfort zone for a woman? I can’t believe he did that for me. That has humbled me. However if i dont find a job soon, we can’t afford grocerices and life just sucks. but nothing has ever been a complete breeze. and this ungodly heat wave is not helping matters. our ac isn’t keeping the house cool. and we still have the fans going from when our ac wasn’t even working at all.

I feel like walmart firing has been like a blakc mark on ym work record no one seems to want to hire me or even return my calls after a interview. No letters as to how to improve or anything and it sickens me that im just a worthless person. As one interviewer put it. ALl u have is a piece of paper that says you finished what you started. Nothing else about your qualifications  if you dont have your certifications. well excuse me lady have u tried to take and the outragoues amounts for a computer certification test? I can’t afford to take them repeatedly till i pass. ANd i can’t afford any of my bills this month. and J. can’t afford to pay them for me either. so i have to get a job. *cries* i am just at a loss ass to what to do. But even then our sexlife has dwindled since my health problems probably related to working at walmart. i felt like i wasn’t turning him on any more but he assures me that is so not the case. i mean what girl wouldn’t want her man to come directly home from working the nite shift and want nothing more to cuddle up with his woman ass he drifts off to sleep.. *sighZ* sometimes my old anxietites kick me in the ass and i end up scaring myself.

 imma gonna go since i’ve probably all scared ya half to death. but the reasons i haven’t written in awhile is becus im trying to talk about my emotions with j and get thing worked out in relationship cus he means the world to me.