pSychology CLass

today we talked about conditionging.  Ive think i’d conditioned my happiness to only exist when im with S. or having sex with S. but i hope not because i honestly know that he can’t give me what i so truely want.. which is him all to my self.  like yeseterday my only good mood lasted until i really started to wake up n then i relaized only the sex had made me feel happy for begining of the day when i was with S. *sigh* i wish all my days could begin and end with S. but they can’t they never can. So i resolve to taking what i can get. i dont konw if thats a bad thing or not but it probably is. 

Then agian i’ve had really bad mood swings since i’ve started the pill, so i dotn know really if thats what is causing this serious bout of self doubt… but when he asked me what i was thinking .. .. for the first time i couldn’t be honest n i completely avoided giving a straight n direct answer.. i just wanteed to enjoy his company with out voicing my feelings to what can’t be in the first place. its so simple really i love a man who can’t love me.. n that hurts more than i can possibly give voice to… but i also went into this arrangement with my eyes open… i didn’t expect to fall in love withhim or care so much about him. but i do n that cant be changed.. no matter how i try to put it behind me its always there in the back of my mind…