what to do now…

i know i have it bad for S. but i also know i can’t have him… but i dont want to give him up either.. i just have to accept what is.. not what i can’t have. its trying.. and yet i know thats my biggest obsticle right now. because he takes away my reality, when im with him its like i can forget all my problems and they dotn inhibit me.

I try to put him in the role of my sex educator.. but the more i stuggle to just keep him there… and in that context.. I have to come to terms with this or i have to give him up.. and theres no way i want to do that…

I left a note on one of my friends diaries saying its goign to be hell when i go to hawaii in august and it is. i could barely last the two weeks and four days since i last had sex with S. without wanting more… i got to get this undercontrol or ill never be able to make it through the two weeks in hawaii with out my family picking up on it.. So i got some huge decsions to make. and i have to make them soon, or i know i wont be comming back sane…because all i’ll want when i come back is him. and thats not good.

I’ll just have to stay sober tonite while everyone else is drinking and think about my situation even though its just a girls night out anyway.. but hopefully will take my mind out of the gutter for teh evenign and i can concentrate on having fun wihtout S.