wow, such a short time till my bday only 9 days

I turn 19 in nine days. and i feel like shit. i want my good mood back. S.’s gf was on his sn the other day so i talked to her for a little bit. and then she stopped talkign to me. Dont know if that means anything i didn’t say what i felt. kept converstation into stuff that i could handle. not going to try to anaylize it.

Can’t write a descriptive english paper. dont know what exactly to write about. i tried writing about pain, but i dont know if i can stretch five paragraphs over two pages. so i paused that part and don’t know i need to start from scratch or not. it sucks. i feel like im wandering without a direction or purpose. Its times like these that i think my faith isn’t as strong as i like it to be. So i struggle. and continue to struggle and i want to be able to stop struggling. I hate this, not sure of where i stand in my current friendships, or even with S. i dont know if that bugs me or just pisses me off. im trying not to dwell on the fact, that i hate my life and i would rather die than live. Because being confused sucks, LIke with me and Skip. he says nothings changed but i think so. i mean u dont tell a girl u want to help her get off, if nothings changed. Especailly a girl u know still has feelings for u. it just doesn’t make sense to me. alot of people say life doesn’t make sense to anyone. is thats what wrong with me? i want my life to make sense and not be so confusing?

Hell, i dont even know what direction im going let alone how im getting there.

im going to go. lataz