Early Early Wakeup call

I was asleep.and S. calls me around 3:30am woke me up and we talked till around 5:30am before he couldn’t stay awake anymore. i tried going back to sleep but it wasn’t the deep sleep i was in before he called. i managed to go back to sleep but it was fitful. not restful. I need to see him again. either to just get him out of my system or take the plunge into unknown territory.my choice has to be soon.i dont think i can take another call like that and not just want him for a friend.

hell, i know what i need to do but im so scared to do it. my confusing emotions are not letting it rest. i know i can’t have him the way i want to. and yet i still feel that i could have him that way. im just fucked up in the head. after yesterday’s small mental breakdown. im just lost. torn between two things that i want to do and need to do. aaaaahhhhhh, when will it end? when i go crazy? or am i already there?