Yesterday’s evening events and thoughts

I got called home yesterday because my grandma’s in the hospital. I had left my purse in my friends car so i had to get my purse before i came home. Saw my grandma in the hospital and all i wanted to was to talk to S. I finally went home had supper and he said “im sorry about your grandma …. What are you thinking? Then i sent him my untitled poem. and he had to go and that we would talk later. I told him to call, and he didn’t. im not upset, hes got school stuff to do, school’s way more important than me.

With just one night, I feel that what ever happens happens between us. He’s told me so often not to involve my heart, but its becomming involved. I think staying at my grandma’s house last night helped me to clear my head alittle. but not what i feel. What S. created for me or made me feel i can’t seem to get out of my mind. I want that feeling 24 hours a day seven days a week. Knowing i can’t have that. i tried to recreate the feeling on my own i just can’t. Now i close my eyes that night is replayed through my mind. NO matter what i subject myself, i will always treasure that moment. because im subjecting myself to pain. i know i can’t have him all to myself i wish i could but i can’t. i have to get over that at any cost. but i dont want to remove him from my life either.

I know i really need to make a decision on what i want to do but i can’t its like i liked being with him so much i dont want it to end. knowing that i can’t ever have him all to myself.

I guess this was what one of my AIM friends was talking about soul searching and truely finding out who i am. I guess taking what my astrology has created i shall find the answers to? but im lost and confused on the way.thoughts and comments are welcome except no derogitory comments.