i probably shouldn’t have but i did

i went home(my home before the apartment) to get some bookshelves that my mom got me. S. calls and wants me to come over since im already in the vincinity. i decide to go. he gives directions i get there and we watch American pie2. Never seen the movie before and i haven’t seen its prequel. however despite it not being my normal movie type it was quite good. after the movie i was actually feeling relaxed alit bit. all he does is touch me and i felt like this was home to me. O lord this can’t be good. he kept asking me what i was thinking, but all i could say was that i didn’t want to move, and i didn’t really want to go. and then we kissed. lord……. i dont know what to say except my first kiss was something like i expected it to be but not. and then he flips on the classical music. i could of just fell asleep right then and there. but he wouldn’t let me. he started tickling me. 🙂 its been a long long long long time since i’ve been tickled. i asked some questions after that, which i needed answers to. and then he told me i should leave because i have a 9 am class. and if i stayed i would have to get naked.. well i stayed a little longer but i was finally forced to go cus i still have issues. but i didn’t really want to.

i finally left around 10:40. i was there for 4 hours and ten minutes. i got home a little after 11:30p.m. and all i could do when i closed my eyes was think of what we had talked about, what we had done. (just touching, and of course my first kiss) i seriously don’t think i got a wink of sleep after he made me leave. i just tossed and turned all night long trying to recreate what he did for me. i couldn’t do it. which is why i when i wake up a hour before my alarm i decided to write here log my thoughts. i so wanted to be able to do more but i realize im having trouble just going for what i want. if u read my Astrology sex life thingy, its says im supposed to be dominant, fullfill fantasies and shit like that.. but it also says im supposed to be a emotional roller coaster? why the hell is that. i don’t want to be a emotional rollar coaster. Im sick of being depressed, sucidal some times when it gets really bad. Not knowing alot of shit that i should.. i hate it. i feel i come up short when guys compare me to other girls.

Hell i need to go now. class starts in a hour. and i need to wake up my mind. and get dressed. lataz all thoughts welcome.