Knots | part three

Camilla
Standing in the open space of the apartment
Standing there facing me
I’m fighting the urge to fidget with my hands
– Do you want a coffee?
— If I have any more coffee I think I’ll shake myself to pieces.
Pause
– So do you want one?
— Make it black.
I don’t move
She opens her mouth
Closes it
I move
Glad to have something to do
The ritual of making coffee
– Are you going to sit down?
— Um…
She sits on an armchair
Gets up
Comes to the kitchen
She’s watching me
I don’t want to turn around and see her watching me
Staring at the machine
Waiting for the light that indicates it’s ready
Head up to the clock on the wall
– Shit.
I’ve missed my meds
Cupboard
Pills
Water
— Jody,
I turn my head to her
She’s looking at the pills
– It’s nothing.
Shit
More questions
Coffee machine light

– How’s Evi?
— Tired.
Inhale
— I’m tired.
Pause
– Are you angry at her?
Pause
— She lives her own life.
Camilla holds her glass to her nose
Inhales
— You didn’t tell me you were sick again.
I finish my coffee
Turn around to the sink
– It’s nothing.
— You should have told me.
– Why?
Rinse the glass
Two new glasses
Fridge
Chilled water
Setting the glasses down on the counter
— Jesus Joe.
It’s getting tense
I’m getting tense
The walls seem to be closing in
They’re a crowd of onlookers spoiling for a fight
Pressing in and egging us on
I feel resignation
Frustration
Caution
— Aren’t I allowed to care about you?
– Yeah sure just…
Now I’m fidgeting with my glass of water
I drink and turn around to put it in the sink
— Why won’t you look at me?
The crowd is jeering
Becoming more vocal
I don’t want to meet her eyes
I don’t want to be angry with her
Trying to stay calm
– Cam,
In as even a voice as I can manage
– Just let it go alright? Don’t worry yourself over it.
— I can’t believe you Jody, Jesus, still keeping everyone out,
– Cam,
I interrupt her
Staring right at her
– I’ve done it before alright? You remember? Plenty of times. I’ve let people in, told them my story, let them help me, whatever that means. I’ve done it all before and it doesn’t work. I’ve been through it over and over again.
But she’s not intimidated and I’m caught in my aggression pose
It’s her that is even
— Not with me you haven’t.
Her lip shivers slightly
I don’t know if it’s the coffee or the anger
I’m speechless
Thoughts still too clouded by the frustration of keeping her at bay
The crowd is silent
The apartment is silent
I expect her to storm out, but she calmly gathers her things
Turns around and walks slowly to the door
And I feel like I don’t belong here