Part 3 | Indulgence

Part 1 | Part 2

Sitting together
Leaning against the three-seater
Staring at the blank television
The dim apartment
Nothing talk
Nothing talk that feels so warm
Feels so right
– Really?
— Yes.
Pause
– Really?
— Yeah. Yes. I said yes.
I give a soft laugh
Your smile
I’ve lost count
I’m glad I can make you smile
You make me smile
— What about you?
And I quietly wonder at your question
Are you searching for commonalities between us?
Or am I the one searching through you, through the things you say?
Our thighs are touching
I’ve gathered my dress up between my legs
You’ve taken your shoes off
Somewhere far away I had thoughts of sex, but it’s so far from my mind now
I wonder if I should feel so comfortable regardless
I think back over the evening

– Do you want to go to bed?
And then your apartment
Your coffee
Austere conversation
Movements
Eyes
Your eyes
The feeling of my own on you
I want you to be watching me

– I remember once, back in school, all the girls had these pink sweaters and I just had to have one…
— You mean those, um, what were they – UCLA or something,
– Yes!
— God that was a long time ago…

– Then stay with me,
– please.
– Please stay with me.
Embrace
I breathed you in
Slowly we began to talk
Eventually sitting on the floor
All night we’ve been like this
Touching now and then
Playing
Talking
Learning

We fall into silence
I turn to look at you but you have your eyes are closed
Suddenly I’m aware of how tired I feel
– Are you falling asleep?
Eyes open
— Absolutely not, no quite the opposite unfortunately.
– Hmm.
I make a sound
Then I remember you and your insomnia
– Hey what’s the time?
You get up slightly to turn to the kitchen
Our contact is broken
I open my mouth and inhale
— It’s… Four. In the morning.
My eyes widen
– Wow.
— What?
Pause
– So this is what it feels like to be you.
You look at me
I turn my head to return your pensive stare
— Thank you.
I raise my eyebrows
— For staying.
I give you a smile
The night is finally getting to me
I lean my head on your shoulder
Exhale

Morning sounds
Soft pillows
For a moment I’m fuzzy
Pale daylight playing at the edges of blinds
This is your bed
Instinctively I turn to the side, but you aren’t there
I’m in the centre of the bed
Still in my dress
It will be a mess of crumples and creases, but I don’t care
Staring at the ceiling I breathe in
Stretching my body
Relaxing back down into your bed
The scent of you
Where are you?
How did I get to your bed?
I remember leaning on your shoulder…
Oh god
All of a sudden I feel flushed with embarrassment
I must have fallen asleep on your shoulder
Thoughts of drooling on you make me scrunch up my eyes
I bring a hand to cover them, as if to shield myself from my behaviour
But then how did I get here?
You must have carried me
I imagine it
A smile that I can’t fight back begins to grow on my lips
This feeling in my chest, lying back in your bed
A growing warmth that is once-again all fear and hope and god knows what else
It radiates through my body and I give a single shiver

Opening the door to a short hallway
Padding quietly on bare feet across the carpet
Slowly into the living-area
The sound of breathing
I move to the couches
There you are, on the three-seater, sleeping
Your hair is a mess
I press my hands to my mouth
Slowly I walk around the sofa
Lower myself to sit by your head
Watching you sleep
But your eyes open
I feel warmth in my face again, like a child who knows she’s caught-out
– I’m sorry, did I wake you?
I whisper
— No,
You answer in a quiet voice
— Well, yes. When you got up, and opened the door.
– You heard that?
— I’m a light sleeper. How did you sleep?
I tuck my knees under my chin, the edges of the dress draping across my shins
– Yeah, really well.
I just want to look at you
What are you thinking?
– Um… thanks for… I mean, sorry I sort-of fell asleep…
Inhale
You close your eyes and move your head slightly
Eyes open
You lift a hand to my face
Touch my cheek
My lips part
Your hand moves slowly back through my hair
I close my eyes
And I can’t stop myself
I lower my knees to the carpet and rock forward
— No wait,
Eyes open, wide
— Just – trust me.
And you get up
I’m confused
You offer your hand and I take it
Are you breaking this?
Is there anything to be broken?
But I should know better
— Just – let’s just stand here, like this.
You’ve taken my other hand
— Closer.
Our bodies are almost touching
— Now, close your eyes.
– But…
— Trust me.
I close them
Shrouded in darkness I feel your breath against my cheek
I lean forward
— Shhh,
You move away
— You have to resist.
A quiet, seductive voice
You lean forward again
I can almost swear that your lips are touching the skin of my face
Then I feel warmth against my lips
Your mouth is literally a breath away
I exhale against you
– This is torture.
I breathe
— Just wait.
You whisper back
— How aware of your body are you right now?
– Very.
— And mine?
– Mmm.
You release one of my hands
— Now see how this feels…
I feel your hand on my shoulder-blade
The sensation breaks across my awareness
Slowly you move your hand down until you reach my lower-back
– Aah.
Inhale
I lift the free hand to your face
All the time our lips so close
When they touch for the briefest of moments, warmth breaks across my body
Your hand moves to my side, then the front of my hip
I exhale hard against you
— How does that feel?
A whisper
Deep inhale
I feel as though there is someone in my chest screaming to get out
Then you break all contact
Sharply I hold my breath
You’re right there
I can feel your closeness

Then you kiss me
And we are joined only at the lips
Tongues slowly but firmly exploring
I break and exhale, making an involuntary sound against your mouth at how good it feels
Taking your shirt in my hands I press my forehead against you
– Oh.
Your arms around me
We fall onto the sofa