*The end of the illusion

– Mummy mummy wake up!
She won’t behave
– Mummy mummy mummy!
She’s never done this before
– Mummy mummy mummy wake up I want to go to the zoo!
Oh god
– Mummy mummy!
Not the terrible twos again
– Mummy mummy it’s time to go to school!
What?
– Mum?
– What?
– Mum… hey are you alright?
– What?
– Is your battery going flat or something?
– What? What did you say just now?
– I said I have to go to school, I have a lecture in half an hour… are you sure you’re alright?
– No.
– Do you want me to come over? Brad left his car, I can drive.
– No no um,
– Mum I’m coming over.
– Don’t miss your class…
And then she’s standing over my bed
– Don’t you miss another class young lady.
What what what what
– You know you’ll be punished one day by a daughter of your own.
What on earth is she talking about
– You’ve only got half an hour to get to school you know.
Just let me sleep
Just let me sleep
– And you need to fill out your damn Uni preferences.
– Go away.
– One day a daughter of yours is going to tell you that.
– I’m only having sons.
– Get out of bed for christ’s sake!
– Fuck off!
And I’m stunned
I’m stunned that she would say that
– Where did you hear that?
I demand of her
– Lucy’s brother said it in the playground today.
I can’t believe it
I want to be controlled, sensible, think clearly
But my body is in panic
It’s raising its arm of its own accord
My god I don’t want to do it
But I’m too shocked, not even angry

Slap

And she’s crying
– Don’t ever say that again!
Oh my god what on earth is happening
My voice shakes
– What?
– Don’t ever say that I’m a failure mum! I’m trying! I’m trying so goddamn hard!
I didn’t say she was a failure
– I’m doing my best to raise her just like you raised me! I’m not a failure!
I didn’t say she was a failure
I didn’t say she was a failure
Why would I say she’s a failure
I don’t think she’s a failure at all
What’s happening
– I’m not a failure! I’m not a failure!
There’s a little girl in the kitchen smashing my dishes
– I’m not a failure goddamnit!
But it’s my voice
And I’m screaming at my mother
Screaming at her so loudly that I’m losing my voice
– I’m not a failure! How could you say that!
– I don’t even know what you are any-more!
Why is she doing this to me
Why is my mother saying these things
– I don’t know where you go at night! I don’t know whether you go to your lectures! I don’t know how you scraped through high-school!
Oh god oh god oh god oh god
– Mummy!
It’s still me
The whole world is huge and I’m running
Running on an asphalt path beneath stupendous trees
I’m running towards a young woman
– Ooooh you run so fast!
She says
I’m running towards her
I jump and I’m in her arms
She spins me around
– Oh my darling daughter!
And I’m back in my house after what feels like forever
The hospital began to feel more like home
– Oh my darling daughter.
And in my arms is the most beautiful little baby girl
I can’t even remember the pain
– My darling girl…
My mother’s voice
Her hand slowly stroking my forehead
– I know it hurts. I know it hurts like hell.
I’m lying on my bed staring at posters on the wall
Turned away from her
– I know you probably think I don’t take it seriously because you’re in high-school, but I remember what it’s like.
Bullshit
Bullshit
She’s trivialising my goddamn life
– I remember what it’s like to feel like you love someone so much and then have them break your heart.
– No you don’t.
It’s a childish thing to say
But somehow my mother knows
– I know you don’t believe me honey, but I do remember.
Swimming
Drowning in emotions
– Did you remember to check in with the doctor, mum?
I’m holding a phone again
– The doctor?
– You have to call Doctor Wilson, otherwise she’ll send someone around again. Damnit mum, are you alright?
Where am I
What is happening to me
– Are you alright?
A teenage girl sitting across the kitchen table
– Sorry?
– Gran are you alright?
– Gran?
– I can’t imagine how you feel, Gran, seeing this happen to your daughter. I mean, it’s hard for us I know, it’s hard for me to see mum like this, in and out of hospital, sometimes I don’t know what to do.
Gran
Gran
Is she talking to me
I feel so old
– Patricia Wilson’s a good psychologist though, and they have really good doctors there.
I clench my eyes shut
– Oh my darling daughter!
I can barely speak as I begin to cry
– I’m sorry, Gran.
Slender, firm arms around my frail body
Patting my withered frame
– I wish there was something we could do.
Oh god
– Hey I chose my course for Uni, I want to be a psychiatrist…

– What?
– Do you not like psychiatrists?
– I’m sorry… what were we talking about?
– Well, I asked you if you thought I could help you.
– … you did? When?
– Before. It’s alright. Would you like a glass of water or something?
– No no, I have to call my daughter…
– Miss Jennings,
– Where’s my phone? Goddamnit I can never find this goddamned device…
– Miss Jennings…

you don’t have a daughter

Falling
Falling
Falling
Falling down into the shape of a little girl
Running over carpet towards my mother’s bed
I can see it
I can see it unravelling and coming apart
But the end of the illusion is the beginning

I jump and shake the shape beneath the sheets, shouting
– Mummy mummy mummy wake up I want to go to the zoo!