going

before i know it the process starts all over again
walking through cities
getting on planes
trains that go cross country
walking again
walking everywhere
nowhere
staying in random places for random periods of time
one day
four days
some underwear and a single change of clothes
other things
day
night
rain
snow
heat
cold
thousand year old buildings
ultra-modern towers
the haze of expensive living mixed in with boutique inner-city shopping
tenements
it’s different
i’m going somewhere
the destination though is stored somewhere separated from my consciousness
years ago i had been unaware of my walking
now it is my conscious self that carries out the physical action

early morning
under a pale pre-dawn sky
i walk through an empty business district
at the edge of the city there is a pedestrian bridge that spans a river
the sun rises as i cross
a burning orange disc that slowly lifts from the horizon
at the top of the bridge an elderly couple stop and watch it
the shapes of their bodies are black against the sun
descending the other side of the bridge brings me to a smashed-up suburb
most buildings are single storey
warped weatherboard walls, some probably still made of organic wood
peeling paint
elderly people sitting on benches or standing at their gates, elbows on the fence
some of them incline their heads as i pass, or slightly raise two fingers in a curt wave
i return the greetings
around a corner there is a small hill lined by more houses
at the top of the hill i see the ocean
the urban buildings sweep down to the coast where on the water there is a marina
now i know where i’m going

i make my first pass along the shore and see the boat
a forty-foot fishing vessel made of synthetic wood
the paint doesn’t crack and curl but it’s faded
i keep walking to a small shopping area facing the water and turn inland up a street
circling the block, i come back to the marina
as i walk across the wooden piers i see him on the boat
stepping across the deck bent over examining the surface
he still doesn’t notice me and should have by now
i think that i’m still in paranoia mode and that it hides me from even him as i move
i turn onto the branch of decking that his boat is moored to
slow and stop in front of it

eventually he looks up and sees me
stands absolutely still
there is no wind
apart from the gentle sway of the water, nothing moves
he opens his mouth to speak, then closes it
i don’t move or say anything

– you’re dead
his voice is quiet
inhale
– yeah
subtly his body takes on minute signs of looking like that of a frightened animal
either that or he’s quickly trying to think of something handy to defend himself with
– i need you to help me stay that way