precious normality

evening
it’s raining when the plane touches down
the tarmac glows with the reflection of a hundred lights
brilliant stars of white, blue, green, amber and red
every one of them has a meaning that the pilots know by heart
perhaps they have a meaning for Vitoria
stop, go, this way, clear
safe
the plane taxis across the open field of shining black
outside the terminal comes into view
even from here it looks like an airport
running on airport time
a hazy place that exists in the space between the edge of dreams and waking life
Vitoria thinks of all of her memories of airports
at first her mind is filled with abstract impressions
memories of neither joy nor sadness
until she left the business to take up normality
suddenly airports became vibrant centres of life
portals that offered passage to new experiences
places for exciting reunions and unwanted farewells
coming and going with a purpose
in her recent past she had travelled mostly for work reasons
but the joy of the people in the airport reached into her every time
the boredom of those waiting in the queues to check-in
an ever-present scattering of professional people like herself for whom this was unnecessary
children running about
the elderly sitting on the benches
she smiles at these thoughts
it seems to help
but the context of her visit now is different
the images of her memories remain, but their flavour slowly fades
the sounds of laughter and happiness reverberate out into a wash of quiet white-noise
echoing in the stale halls of airports and government buildings of her early memory

as the plane approaches the terminal
Vitoria’s face settles back into neutrality
the face they had all worn in the earliest days when they’d first worked together
the ghosts were the stuff of legend – mere whispers in the net
seeing the four of them work was a humbling experience
she remembers the banter she and the other elites had shared
finally seeing each-other in person for the first time
she herself had indulged in a little bragging, but their bragging rights didn’t last long
Durban had said after the first Task they had sit in as observers
– i don’t understand what we can do for you, i mean… fuck
it was exactly what they’d all been thinking
they were surprised however, when the ghosts had told them that what they’d seen today was nothing in comparison to what they would do in the future
it took a long time, but eventually the elites realised the full extent of their own skill
it wasn’t pedestrian anymore, the Tasks they did
it wasn’t just government bodies and company archives
there were layers and places in the net they had never known existed
ice so thick it sometimes took days on end to break it
there was always a government or company at the other end funding their lives, purchasing their hardware
those Tasks were easy though
what scared the elites were the Tasks run privately by individuals
what frightened them more, was that it scared the ghosts

she stops herself
Vitoria knows that if she keeps thinking about it, she’ll eventually run into Inverse
she’d spent months running it around in her head, trying to make sense of what had happened
it was impossible
all she knew was that she knew nothing
and that two of her best friends were dead

she tries hard to think of happy times and succeeds to some degree
recalling the later years where the eight of them had grown into closer friends
they began spending time together outside of the Tasks
living closer to each-other, flying out to be together
it was a strange elusive slice of normality they had been denied up until that point
but they built it together – friendships, intimacy
and when they spoke to one-another, they forgot about the brilliant colours of the net
the intricacies of code and ice
she remembers something that Seoul had told her

– for the first time i feel like a real person

and the light smile Vitoria had held on her face once again fades
perhaps that is what she feels now
after Inverse, she had tried so hard to build a new normality
it had worked
she had a job, friends, relationships
nodes in the real world that didn’t glow with hostility or fragility
just normal things
she feels that her status as a normal person is slipping away from her

the rain continues to fall steadily
after the required arbitrary amount of time passes in which the plane has to wait at the terminal
the passengers are advised that they may disembark
Vitoria waits for the semi-full cabin to empty enough for her to exit without colliding with others in the isles
she takes a moment to stare out at the shining concrete ground, and the buildings that make up the airport lit up in the night
it reminds her again of Seoul and the strange haunting music she loves so much
she reaches into her handbag and takes out her PDA and headphones
plugs in, wires up, and cues the music Seoul had given her those years ago

just as Vitoria walks to the door, the attendant decides he has smiled to enough passengers
relaxes his face with a sigh and turns away before she exits
as if somehow he knows she no longer belongs to his world
disappearing from the face of normal reality and returning to the in-between land of the net