09/07/2011

I hate that the woman I love has changed so much over the years.

She use to be… so innocent and untouched by the world.

Now she’s a stripper. I never thought I’d be a guy in love with a stripper. Why does that make me feel worse? But to be fair, I loved her long before that ever happened.

This isn’t my Nicki.

This was my Nicki

I guess the world ruined her. Corrupted her. Changed her. She’ll tell you that she is stronger. And she is stronger. But I don’t think she deserves to live the life she’s living. I wish things had been better for her.

Once she was the physical manifestation of the words “Beauty” and “Perfection” to me. Now she is just a shell of that woman I once loved. I miss her. RIP Beautiful Nicki of the past. I’ll still look after you today, but you’re just not the same person anymore.

I suppose it was meant to be this way. You helped me learn what I like when it comes to women, and what I extremely dislike. I honestly believe if I were told to write down everything about my future spouse (if I have one), I could nail 90% of it within 10 minutes.

I know she is/has:

• Intelligent
• Compassionate
• Not judgmental
• Argues like an adult, without the name calling and screaming
• The most beautiful eyes I have ever seen
• Feminine / more homemaker than breadwinner

I feel like crying. I wish I could. I’d feel better.

When I think about it, I had a hard time getting over Janice when I lost her. I spent a few years mourning that. I don’t move on very well. And then Nicki came along and saved me from that.

I think that I need to find the next love of my life in order to move on from Nicki. I think this person would be the only one who can save me from this Hell I currently live in.

I think I always have to have a ‘Queen’ to devote myself to. Otherwise I just feel so pointless.

I had dinner at a great restaurant today. Had myself a big ol’ steak at a booth table by the window. And outside the window within 50 feet was the ocean. A beachfront restaurant. The sun started to set and I saw that the world can still be beautiful sometimes. Not beautiful enough to be worth saving. But beautiful still. I wish I had someone special to share that dinner with. But instead I just ate my meal, paid my bill, and left. Alone.