07/30/2011

Hello ladies,

My job’s funding finally came through. I’ll be starting work on Monday. I was lucky enough to snatch myself a place to stay for a few weeks from a listing on Craigslist. Granted, I haven’t even seen the place yet, so things could change, but I’m pretty sure I’ll be staying here.

It’s with an old lady as my ‘room mate’, a private bedroom and bathroom of her house for a weekly rate. All utilities included. Internet too. =) 3 blocks away from the beach. No drugs, no parties, no pets, no drinking allowed. Haha. When she started to list that stuff I was thinking to myself “Yea, you really have no idea who I am”. I tried to alleviate her fears by telling her that I’m basically a nerd who spends most of his time alone in his room. She wont have any trouble from me. Hell, if anything, I’ll take out the trash and mow the yard.

I think if I like my new job, I’ll start to look for a place of my own. If I don’t like my job and don’t plan to stay after the initial 6 months, I’ll just spend it living with her or in a hotel. No need to build a nest where I wont stay.

I am very much ready to go back to Florida. I miss it so much. I can’t stand Alabama. The only good thing Alabama has going for it is that Nicki is here. Other than that, this is hell.

Things have been good for me regarding Nicki, but bad for Nicki. I am slowly getting over her. In all honesty, it HELPS to be able to talk to her when I need her. It was such agony not getting to talk to her. Now I can go through my day without thinking about her nonstop. It’s great. And if I wonder what she’s up to, I just text her!

But yea, my poor Nicki’s life is going to shit. She very cruelly shattered my heart to dust back around Easter of 2010 because she was trying to make things work with her boyfriend, the father of her child. She was trying to hold her ‘family’ together.

Well one day her boyfriend comes home and tells her that he got himself a new girlfriend and that he was going to take their kid away from her. So her heart was shattered very much in the way mine was. She’s been trying to get over her broken heart. She’s been getting into drugs. Cocaine and pills.

And just a few days ago, she became a stripper. And that drives me insane. I hate the idea of other men looking at her like that. Granted, I know Nicki is not my girl, but at the same time, Nicki is not their girl either. So it just eats my stomach up with her working that kind of job.

She does it because she’s trying to get a place of her own, and her own car, but she needs more income. She has to become independent of her ex before he just leaves her out on the street, without her kid.

On her first day, her ‘training’ day, she felt sick and asked me to take her home. I was there before she could even hang up the damn phone. I was pacing the whole night. Coming up with mad schemes of going to the strip club and tossing a blanket over her. Or of spending a fortune just keeping her over with me, in a private booth, away from all the other men.

It’s ashame she never gave me the time of day. I think we could have been something great. I wish I could have saved her from her own choices. I wish I could buy her an apartment and car and connect her to a great job and just say “now live life happily”, but I can’t.

I don’t understand why she hesistates to call on me when she needs something. I told her anytime, day or night, no matter what the situation, if she needs help, CALL ME. I’ll be there. Then later we’ll be talking and she’ll tell me how she was stuck at some place or had to walk home because she tried to get ahold of her friend and they didn’t answer… it’s like… WHAT DID I TELL YOU? CALL ME, DAMMIT. I WOULD HAVE GIVEN YOU THAT RIDE.

Why does she not want my help? Why do I frighten her? She never lets me help her. She’d probably die before accepting it and that makes no sense to me.

She did something nice for me yesterday. I’ve never been allowed to see her child Tristan because Charlie (her ex) is super jealous of me. Ha. Oh the irony. The man who lived my dream life, with Nicki, child with Nicki, jealous of ME. He’s such a fool. He’s always saying that Nicki can’t bring Tristan around other people because he doesn’t trust Nicki’s choices, and she can’t bring Tristan around me because he doesn’t trust me.

Well Nicki pretty much stood up for me. She told him how she knew me for so many years. More than Charlie ever did. Hell. When Charlie was balls deep in his first wife, I loved Nicki. Now that Charlie is balls deep in his current girlfriend, I still love Nicki. When he is balls deep in some other girl 10 years from now, I will still love NIcki.

She told him about my honorable military service. How I graduated Salutatorian of my college class. How one of my best friends is her cousin (Brooke). She said she trusted me with my life.

Flat out, on paper, I will always look more appealing than Charlie. Honest truth. He does not strive to better himself or his life, and it shows.

Then Charlie said “Well you can’t bring Tristan around people who are madly in love with you”, so she quipped back “Well then you can’t bring Tristan around your girlfriend, who’s madly in love with you.” Finally, he reluctantly agreed to let me see him.

When we pulled up to get him, I got out of my car to make room in the backseat for a toddler carseat. I was praying and praying he would come outside and start something. I dream of hurting that man. I dream of his blood on my hands. But he didn’t. He stayed inside. Which is a good choice. But one day, I’ll get him. One day, he’ll slip. And finally, finally, FINALLY I got to meet Tristan.

His pictures don’t do him justice. He’s two years old. He has so much more hair on his head than what the pictures show. He just stared around dazedly while we drove around. He was tired and a little crabby as it was early in the morning. He does look more like Charlie than Nicki, which is tragic, but the kid is still cute.

I can’t wait for the day when I am a father, and the child in the backseat of my car is mine. I look forward to knowing that joy someday. With some special woman to share it with.

I could go on forever about Nicki, and that wasn’t even the point of my post. I just feel like I can move on, knowing that when I need her, she’s there to talk to. It was so hard just not knowing.

It wont be easy though. I still have this feeling in my gut that makes me so uncomfortable when I think about moving on. To me, the moment I stop being in love with her, it will feel like nothing mattered. Like it was all so pointless. Like this beautiful thing that I have will suddenly be without value. So it’s hard to do that, in my mind. I feel I have to make it very clear that I loved this woman with all that I had. And that it is a beautiful thing. And that even though I will move on, I will still always love and care for her. And it will still matter somehow.

I love this entry I read, and I have to share it.

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