07/11/2011 *Edit*

My heart is broken and I don’t know how to cope with it.

**Edit**

I’m thinking of sending her a message on Facebook. Just apologizing for our last fall out. I can’t stand the thought of her hating me. She means far too much to me. It kills me to think that she might hate me.

**Edit Edit**

I’m an idiot. I hope I die.

I can’t send it to her. But here is what I wrote:

I’m sorry, Nicki.

I want your forgiveness.

I need you to understand me. I don’t mean to be the way I am around you. I really don’t. If anything – I only want to make you happy. Our situation is the opposite of what I want for you. I’m trying so hard to get my feelings under control. Most of the time my feelings control me. Every day is a struggle for me. But I really am trying. I really, really am. Right now I just feel like I’m dying inside, Nicki. I’m out of control. Almost bipolar, honestly. Fine one day, suicidal the next.

Nicki, I’m sorry if this unprovoked FB message causes you any family drama. This is all impulse decisions on my part. Like I said, I’m out of control. It’s not my intention to hurt you (never has, never will be).

To the point of this message:

I don’t want things between us to be so horrible. I don’t want you to hate me. It’s an unbearable thought. So please, Nicki. Forgive me. I’m so sorry. For everything.

Now I have to wait 2 days before FB will allow me to block her again. Great. I should have took the advice of my noters and not even tried. I’m such an idiot. Well. My heart is.

Now I have to live in fear that she’ll see that I’ve unblocked her. Can’t even really use Facebook for 2 days as we both have the same circle of friends.