07/08/2011

I’m so emotionally unstable nowadays.

Today is one of those days where I feel like killing myself would just be a waste of a perfectly good bullet.

Sometimes I think I am the only person in the whole world who has ever truly loved someone.

Everyone else seems so capable of just forgetting someone and moving on so fast. Like their previous love didn’t even matter.

Like they never felt anything at all in the first place.

Like they never truly loved.

But for me, years and years and years go by and I still can’t let go.

I am incapable of letting go.

It makes me wonder why I am this way. Why can’t I just forget about her and ‘move on’ like regular people?

It just doesn’t seem to me like it’s possible to let go of someone you truly love. They’re a part of you.

And I really do truly love her. With all that I have. All that I am. No one can ever deny that. I’d kill them for trying.

I burn for her still.

There’s nothing I wouldn’t do to have her love. Nothing too great. Nothing too despicable.

For her I would teach, help, and heal. For her I would lie, steal, and murder.

I love her. Plain and simple.

I don’t think I’ll ever feel love towards someone else as long as I am still in love with her.

I am emotionally unavailable.

Which is bad news for me.

I could very well be doomed to a lonely death on lonely life.

I alternate between profound sadness and profound anger.

Sad that I don’t have her in my life. Then anger that I don’t have her in my life.

If I were to die right now, she wouldn’t even be at my funeral. She wouldn’t miss me at all. She doesn’t miss me now. She doesn’t think about me or dream about me like I do her. I don’t mean anywhere near as much to her as she does to me. She means the world to me. She is my world to me. I’m just a loser to her.

She doesn’t feel the agony that tears at my soul like a knife that cuts so deep. So deep I don’t think I can ever withstand it. I cry my tears and expect to die from the pain but it doesn’t kill me. It just keeps hurting me. It mocks me. I hate myself so much. It’s unbearable. I just want to tear my heart out and bleed to death.

My life is screwed. I see no way out of this.

Am I forever cursed to be the world’s truest zombie? The living dead.

I just don’t see a point to living anymore.

What’s the point in living if you can’t feel alive?

No matter what happens to me in the future, let no one ever forget or dispute that I loved Nicki with my all.