Nothing Matters
I’m depressed and afraid.
I’ve been thinking about the world a lot lately. And even though I think the world has a lot of beautiful things in it… ultimately I think our world is a terrible place.
It’s filled with too much death, pain, suffering, and sadness.
I’ve been thinking about death a lot lately, too.
I’m ready for death. I don’t want to live anymore.
I feel like I’m just wasting space, oxygen, and food.
I’m not really contributing anymore. And I don’t want to either.
I’m just done.
I’m not in the mood for OD notes. So I’m turning them off.
Also I might write private OD entries for awhile. I don’t feel like sharing my feelings anymore. Especially now that Nicki reads this.
My feelings don’t matter, anyways.
So I’ve put a lot of thought into this. My goals have changed.
New Year’s Resolutions 2010
1. Regain weight back to 155 pounds and keep it.
I slacked off. And as soon as I quit working out, my weight began to fall off like it never existed. So I need to get all of the weight back. And keep it. Bonus points if I can gain more weight.
2. Workout at least 6 days a week for 30 full minutes. Take your protein shakes twice a day.
This is how I gained weight the first time around. It’s just a good habbit to get into.
3. Get a tan and maintain it.
This will help me build self-esteem.
4. Reduce or eliminate all soda consumption.
Soda, as much as I love it, is completely bad for me. I need to get off of it. This goal is going to be damn near impossible for me.
5. No more alcohol. Ever.
Pointless. Stupid. Waste of money. It only makes me think of Nicki.
6. Get over Nicki.
Or she will destroy me. It’s been over 2 years now since I’ve seen her. I need to let her go.
7. Graduate.
I’m so close. I graduate in July with my Bachelor’s. But it will get harder.
8. Get a job. Stay out of the Army.
Find a job related to my degree. Pray that the Army wont call me up. I get out of the Inactive Reserve in July as well. So July will be a great month for me.
9. Get a place of my own.
I’m getting extremely tired of room mates. I want a place of my own after I graduate and hopefully get a job. I need space.
10. Speak only when necessary or useful.
I feel that I talk too much around people and that I need to lessen how much I say. I think this one I will start slow with strangers, acquaintances, and work my way up.
EXCEPTIONS: I will talk to myself as much as I want (Keeps me sane and from getting lonely). I will chat online as much as I want. I will write whatever I want in my blog.
It’s no longer about goals to achieve before the end of the year or sometime in my life. Now my goals are things I want to achieve before I am ready to kill myself.
1. Graduate from college.
2. Pay off my student loans.
3. Gather up a certain amount of cash for my death.
4. Make final preparations.
I can’t sleep anymore. I try but usually fail. I get about 3-4 hours a night. Which is enough, I guess.
I don’t know why, but I’m always afraid. I don’t even know what of. But I’m so scared. I hate it.
I feel like I’m always being watched. Even now in this dark room, there are eyes in the darkness just staring at me.
And I can’t stand the silence. I can hear it through the music and TV. Just that damned ringing noise.
It’s so irritating. Doesn’t help with the sleep issue either.
I’ve been hearing voices that are not here.
It’s discomforting.
I cry often for reasons I don’t understand.
Anyways.
I got to hang out with Nicki Saturday and Sunday. Best 2 days I’ve had for the last 2 years. Probably for the next 2 years, too.
She is the most beautiful woman I have ever layed eyes upon.
And even though I knew that, it’s as if I relearn that every time I see her. It’s like being struck in the chest. POW. Amazing.
She wore some pretty provacative clothing though. I am only a man. I couldn’t help but to look at her body sometimes… and want her. I feel guilty.
She is human, after all. A woman. A lovely woman. It’s only natural that I should want her the way I do.
I still love her with all that I have. But I’ve changed so much. I don’t think she loves me back. Not the new me, at least. Maybe she loved the old me. I don’t know.
It doesn’t matter though. She loves Charlie. She’ll never leave him, no matter how bad he treats her. And even if she did, she’d just choose another guy over me.
She doesn’t need me anyways. I’m fucked up. Preparing for my death and all.
Let it forever be known that I just wanted Nicki to be safe and happy, always.
~Bruce
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EDIT
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There’s something out in the woods that’s dying. And it’s screaming and wailing. It sounds like a cat. It’s heart-wrenching. I don’t need this. I hope it’s not a cat. I hope it’s just a really big verbal spider.