Heavy Thinking

I don’t know what I’m suppose to do.

She’s with him. Not me.

I don’t know if I’ll ever even get the chance to be with her.

Should I move on? Am I even capable of doing so? Can I even fall in love with other women?

Should I stay, and just hope they eventually break up? Is that selfish?

I don’t want to move on. So for now, I’ll allow myself to hope.

I hope a few years from now, I am married to her.

I feel like I’m running out of time. I feel myself getting older. Less desireable.

I want to have children with her. I can’t imagine a child that is half her, half me. I think that would be amazing.

I want to grow old with her.

And if she dies before I do, I will die at her grave.

And if I die before she does, I’ll watch over her.

And in the afterlife, I want to spend all of eternity with her.

I hope she doesn’t stay with him for the rest of her life. She deserves to be happy.

And I know this is selfish, but I want her to be happy – with me.

I know plenty of families where there’s a step-dad for the kid, and the kid is happy.

Pam in my family, is one example. Brooke in her family, is another example.

I don’t know if I would be a great father, but I do know that I am willing to step up to the plate and try.

I have a lot of heavy thinking to do. A lot of stuff to sort out.

I graduate at the end of July. That’s when I start to build my life. Maybe I can make her part of the foundation of the life I build.

She mentioned in one of our conversations that she is indeed, human. She even referenced this entry of mine, saying her eyes “are made of jelly, too”. I still find it hard to believe that someone so beautiful could exist.

I love her.