Ramblings

I would so love

to spend a full rainy summer day, staying inside,
with Kayli, playing games,
or maybe watching TV on the couch together… or playing
board games… All day.

And take a percocet, and just cuddle/spoon with her
in bed all night.

… That would be nice.

I sound like a druggie when I read that.

But in reality, I’m like the total goodie goodie.

I’ve never done any drugs. And the only time I did
have percocets… I was on prescription. Hell I’ve
never even smoked a cigarette. lol.

But I don’t have to justify myself here. This is
my OD.

I just like that feeling percocets put you in.

It is the warmest, fuzziest, feeling, everrrrr.

I felt like I weighed 5 pounds total when I was
on that pill. Crazy stuff.

Couldn’t hold a single thought though. Made my
job hard to do.

—

I am a very dark, evil person deep down. But I
will never, ever show that side of myself to
anyone.

But this knowledge makes it very difficult for
me to like myself. It makes it impossible for me
to like myself.

In fact, I’d say it is knowing that I am evil
that is the one reason I am so nice and caring.
Because I don’t want to be evil.

But sometimes I think thoughts that make me
shiver. Thoughts that can’t be normal.

But I am a strong believer in fate. I am who I am
meant to be. I just hope one day I can find a
special lady who can love me, even though I am
evil.

But if not… oh well. I accept my fate.

—

I don’t know if I want to have children someday.
I don’t like the world, I don’t like the people
in it, and I don’t want to ever see my flaws
exist in someone else.

—

I’ve been experimenting with meditation for awhile
now. I really like it a lot. It’s very relaxing.
However it’s insanely difficult to do. You have
to do your best to STOP THINKING. It’s damn near
impossible for me for the longest time.

But eventually I did stop thinking. I stopped everything.
I even stopped breathing. I don’t know how it works,
but I wasn’t breathing for such a long time. I
felt this pressure above and between my eyes. And
there was nothing. Just pure nothing.

I don’t even think it lasted more than a minute, or maybe
2 minutes. But after that I kinda snapped out of it.
And it felt like waking up. And I was very relaxed.

I’ve been doing my soul searching for awhile now, ever
since that new feeling invaded my life, and I think
that I’m not Christian anymore.

I think I am a Hindu.

However, like all the religions I’ve ever known about,
there’s always something I don’t completely agree with,
and Hinduism is no exception.

I have a long way to go though.

•Worship the God of your heart
•Maintain external cleanliness — Physical and Environmental
•Practice straightforwardness in dealing with others
•Live a life of self-control with respect to all your sense enjoyments
•Avoid acts of injuring others from your emotional and intellectual realms
•Speak only to express agreeable ideas of permanent value. When the truth is disagreeable to others, maintain a discreet silence.
•Maintain pure and serene motives
•Maintain a relationship of understanding, tolerance and love with the world at large.

I have to seize control of my emotions. No matter what religion I
ultimately go with. My emotions are my heaviest weakness.

Well I’ve been rambling. So I’ll stop now.

~Bruce