04/23/2009
I feel like a walking bomb.
Any day now I am going to finally explode, and I’m going to hurt as many people as I can before I finally just kill myself.
It’s almost been a full year since I last spoke to Nicki.
365 days.
I’m so dead inside.
Just like my want to be better, I also want to spread all the pain I have with everyone else. I want to go around hurting as many people as I can in the most horrid possible way and say something along the lines of “Now you know what I deal with EVERY SINGLE DAY”. I want to see the despair in their hearts RIGHT ON THEIR FACES.
I gave myself a bruise today to ease the pain. And for the most part it did. But it’s just not enough. IT’S NEVER E-FUCKING-NOUGH. I need to see my blood. I need it to seep down my arm and drip onto the ground.
I’m going to kill myself. And on my tombstone I want it to say “Here lies the weakling who is better off forgotten”.
I HATE EVERYONE AND EVERYTHING AND I WANT IT ALL TO END!!!!!!
I HATE EVERYONE AND EVERYTHING AND I WANT IT ALL TO END!!!!!! I HATE EVERYONE AND EVERYTHING AND I WANT IT ALL TO END!!!!!! I HATE EVERYONE AND EVERYTHING AND I WANT IT ALL TO END!!!!!! I HATE EVERYONE AND EVERYTHING AND I WANT IT ALL TO END!!!!!! I HATE EVERYONE AND EVERYTHING AND I WANT IT ALL TO END!!!!!! I HATE EVERYONE AND EVERYTHING AND I WANT IT ALL TO END!!!!!! I HATE EVERYONE AND EVERYTHING AND I WANT IT ALL TO END!!!!!! I HATE EVERYONE AND EVERYTHING AND I WANT IT ALL TO END!!!!!! I HATE EVERYONE AND EVERYTHING AND I WANT IT ALL TO END!!!!!! I HATE EVERYONE AND EVERYTHING AND I WANT IT ALL TO END!!!!!! I HATE EVERYONE AND EVERYTHING AND I WANT IT ALL TO END!!!!!! I HATE EVERYONE AND EVERYTHING AND I WANT IT ALL TO END!!!!!! I HATE EVERYONE AND EVERYTHING AND I WANT IT ALL TO END!!!!!! I HATE EVERYONE AND EVERYTHING AND I WANT IT ALL TO END!!!!!! I HATE EVERYONE AND EVERYTHING AND I WANT IT ALL TO END!!!!!! I HATE EVERYONE AND EVERYTHING AND I WANT IT ALL TO END!!!!!! I HATE EVERYONE AND EVERYTHING AND I WANT IT ALL TO END!!!!!! I HATE EVERYONE AND EVERYTHING AND I WANT IT ALL TO END!!!!!! I HATE EVERYONE AND EVERYTHING AND I WANT IT ALL TO END!!!!!! I HATE EVERYONE AND EVERYTHING AND I WANT IT ALL TO END!!!!!! I HATE EVERYONE AND EVERYTHING AND I WANT IT ALL TO END!!!!!! I HATE EVERYONE AND EVERYTHING AND I WANT IT ALL TO END!!!!!! I HATE EVERYONE AND EVERYTHING AND I WANT IT ALL TO END!!!!!! I HATE EVERYONE AND EVERYTHING AND I WANT IT ALL TO END!!!!!! I HATE EVERYONE AND EVERYTHING AND I WANT IT ALL TO END!!!!!! I HATE EVERYONE AND EVERYTHING AND I WANT IT ALL TO END!!!!!! I HATE EVERYONE AND EVERYTHING AND I WANT IT ALL TO END!!!!!! I HATE EVERYONE AND EVERYTHING AND I WANT IT ALL TO END!!!!!! I HATE EVERYONE AND EVERYTHING AND I WANT IT ALL TO END!!!!!! I HATE EVERYONE AND EVERYTHING AND I WANT IT ALL TO END!!!!!! I HATE EVERYONE AND EVERYTHING AND I WANT IT ALL TO END!!!!!! I HATE EVERYONE AND EVERYTHING AND I WANT IT ALL TO END!!!!!! I HATE EVERYONE AND EVERYTHING AND I WANT IT ALL TO END!!!!!! I HATE EVERYONE AND EVERYTHING AND I WANT IT ALL TO END!!!!!! I HATE EVERYONE AND EVERYTHING AND I WANT IT ALL TO END!!!!!! I HATE EVERYONE AND EVERYTHING AND I WANT IT ALL TO END!!!!!! I HATE EVERYONE AND EVERYTHING AND I WANT IT ALL TO END!!!!!! I HATE EVERYONE AND EVERYTHING AND I WANT IT ALL TO END!!!!!! I HATE EVERYONE AND EVERYTHING AND I WANT IT ALL TO END!!!!!! I HATE EVERYONE AND EVERYTHING AND I WANT IT ALL TO END!!!!!! I HATE EVERYONE AND EVERYTHING AND I WANT IT ALL TO END!!!!!! I HATE EVERYONE AND EVERYTHING AND I WANT IT ALL TO END!!!!!! I HATE EVERYONE AND EVERYTHING AND I WANT IT ALL TO END!!!!!! I HATE EVERYONE AND EVERYTHING AND I WANT IT ALL TO END!!!!!! I HATE EVERYONE AND EVERYTHING AND I WANT IT ALL TO END!!!!!! I HATE EVERYONE AND EVERYTHING AND I WANT IT ALL TO END!!!!!! I HATE EVERYONE AND EVERYTHING AND I WANT IT ALL TO END!!!!!! I HATE EVERYONE AND EVERYTHING AND I WANT IT ALL TO END!!!!!! I HATE EVERYONE AND EVERYTHING AND I WANT IT ALL TO END!!!!!! I HATE EVERYONE AND EVERYTHING AND I WANT IT ALL TO END!!!!!! I HATE EVERYONE AND EVERYTHING AND I WANT IT ALL TO END!!!!!! I HATE EVERYONE AND EVERYTHING AND I WANT IT ALL TO END!!!!!! I HATE EVERYONE AND EVERYTHING AND I WANT IT ALL TO END!!!!!! I HATE EVERYONE AND EVERYTHING AND I WANT IT ALL TO END!!!!!! I HATE EVERYONE AND EVERYTHING AND I WANT IT ALL TO END!!!!!! I HATE EVERYONE AND EVERYTHING AND I WANT IT ALL TO END!!!!!! I HATE EVERYONE AND EVERYTHING AND I WANT IT ALL TO END!!!!!! I HATE EVERYONE AND EVERYTHING AND I WANT IT ALL TO END!!!!!! I HATE EVERYONE AND EVERYTHING AND I WANT IT ALL TO END!!!!!! I HATE EVERYONE AND EVERYTHING AND I WANT IT ALL TO END!!!!!! I HATE EVERYONE AND EVERYTHING AND I WANT IT ALL TO END!!!!!! I HATE EVERYONE AND EVERYTHING AND I WANT IT ALL TO END!!!!!! I HATE EVERYONE AND EVERYTHING AND I WANT IT ALL TO END!!!!!! I HATE EVERYONE AND EVERYTHING AND I WANT IT ALL TO END!!!!!! I HATE EVERYONE AND EVERYTHING AND I WANT IT ALL TO END!!!!!! I HATE EVERYONE AND EVERYTHING AND I WANT IT ALL TO END!!!!!! I HATE EVERYONE AND EVERYTHING AND I WANT IT ALL TO END!!!!!! I HATE EVERYONE AND EVERYTHING AND I WANT IT ALL TO END!!!!!! I HATE EVERYONE AND EVERYTHING AND I WANT IT ALL TO END!!!!!! I HATE EVERYONE AND EVERYTHING AND I WANT IT ALL TO END!!!!!! I HATE EVERYONE AND EVERYTHING AND I WANT IT ALL TO END!!!!!! I HATE EVERYONE AND EVERYTHING AND I WANT IT ALL TO END!!!!!! I HATE EVERYONE AND EVERYTHING AND I WANT IT ALL TO END!!!!!! I HATE EVERYONE AND EVERYTHING AND I WANT IT ALL TO END!!!!!! I HATE EVERYONE AND EVERYTHING AND I WANT IT ALL TO END!!!!!! I HATE EVERYONE AND EVERYTHING AND I WANT IT ALL TO END!!!!!! I HATE EVERYONE AND EVERYTHING AND I WANT IT ALL TO END!!!!!! I HATE EVERYONE AND EVERYTHING AND I WANT IT ALL TO END!!!!!! I HATE EVERYONE AND EVERYTHING AND I WANT IT ALL TO END!!!!!! I HATE EVERYONE AND EVERYTHING AND I WANT IT ALL TO END!!!!!! I HATE EVERYONE AND EVERYTHING AND I WANT IT ALL TO END!!!!!! I HATE EVERYONE AND EVERYTHING AND I WANT IT ALL TO END!!!!!! I HATE EVERYONE AND EVERYTHING AND I WANT IT ALL TO END!!!!!! I HATE EVERYONE AND EVERYTHING AND I WANT IT ALL TO END!!!!!! I HATE EVERYONE AND EVERYTHING AND I WANT IT ALL TO END!!!!!! I HATE EVERYONE AND EVERYTHING AND I WANT IT ALL TO END!!!!!! I HATE EVERYONE AND EVERYTHING AND I WANT IT ALL TO END!!!!!! I HATE EVERYONE AND EVERYTHING AND I WANT IT ALL TO END!!!!!! I HATE EVERYONE AND EVERYTHING AND I WANT IT ALL TO END!!!!!! I HATE EVERYONE AND EVERYTHING AND I WANT IT ALL TO END!!!!!! I HATE EVERYONE AND EVERYTHING AND I WANT IT ALL TO END!!!!!! I HATE EVERYONE AND EVERYTHING AND I WANT IT ALL TO END!!!!!! I HATE EVERYONE AND EVERYTHING AND I WANT IT ALL TO END!!!!!! I HATE EVERYONE AND EVERYTHING AND I WANT IT ALL TO END!!!!!! I HATE EVERYONE AND EVERYTHING AND I WANT IT ALL TO END!!!!!! I HATE EVERYONE AND EVERYTHING AND I WANT IT ALL TO END!!!!!! I HATE EVERYONE AND EVERYTHING AND I WANT IT ALL TO END!!!!!! I HATE EVERYONE AND EVERYTHING AND I WANT IT ALL TO END!!!!!! I HATE EVERYONE AND EVERYTHING AND I WANT IT ALL TO END!!!!!! I HATE EVERYONE AND EVERYTHING AND I WANT IT ALL TO END!!!!!! I HATE EVERYONE AND EVERYTHING AND I WANT IT ALL TO END!!!!!! I HATE EVERYONE AND EVERYTHING AND I WANT IT ALL TO END!!!!!! I HATE EVERYONE AND EVERYTHING AND I WANT IT ALL TO END!!!!!! I HATE EVERYONE AND EVERYTHING AND I WANT IT ALL TO END!!!!!! I HATE EVERYONE AND EVERYTHING AND I WANT IT ALL TO END!!!!!! I HATE EVERYONE AND EVERYTHING AND I WANT IT ALL TO END!!!!!! I HATE EVERYONE AND EVERYTHING AND I WANT IT ALL TO END!!!!!! I HATE EVERYONE AND EVERYTHING AND I WANT IT ALL TO END!!!!!! I HATE EVERYONE AND EVERYTHING AND I WANT IT ALL TO END!!!!!! I HATE EVERYONE AND EVERYTHING AND I WANT IT ALL TO END!!!!!! I HATE EVERYONE AND EVERYTHING AND I WANT IT ALL TO END!!!!!! I HATE EVERYONE AND EVERYTHING AND I WANT IT ALL TO END!!!!!! I HATE EVERYONE AND EVERYTHING AND I WANT IT ALL TO END!!!!!! I HATE EVERYONE AND EVERYTHING AND I WANT IT ALL TO END!!!!!! I HATE EVERYONE AND EVERYTHING AND I WANT IT ALL TO END!!!!!! I HATE EVERYONE AND EVERYTHING AND I WANT IT ALL TO END!!!!!! I HATE EVERYONE AND EVERYTHING AND I WANT IT ALL TO END!!!!!! I HATE EVERYONE AND EVERYTHING AND I WANT IT ALL TO END!!!!!! I HATE EVERYONE AND EVERYTHING AND I WANT IT ALL TO END!!!!!! I HATE EVERYONE AND EVERYTHING AND I WANT IT ALL TO END!!!!!! I HATE EVERYONE AND EVERYTHING AND I WANT IT ALL TO END!!!!!! I HATE EVERYONE AND EVERYTHING AND I WANT IT ALL TO END!!!!!! I HATE EVERYONE AND EVERYTHING AND I WANT IT ALL TO END!!!!!! I HATE EVERYONE AND EVERYTHING AND I WANT IT ALL TO END!!!!!! I HATE EVERYONE AND EVERYTHING AND I WANT IT ALL TO END!!!!!! I HATE EVERYONE AND EVERYTHING AND I WANT IT ALL TO END!!!!!! I HATE EVERYONE AND EVERYTHING AND I WANT IT ALL TO END!!!!!! I HATE EVERYONE AND EVERYTHING AND I WANT IT ALL TO END!!!!!! I HATE EVERYONE AND EVERYTHING AND I WANT IT ALL TO END!!!!!! I HATE EVERYONE AND EVERYTHING AND I WANT IT ALL TO END!!!!!! I HATE EVERYONE AND EVERYTHING AND I WANT IT ALL TO END!!!!!! I HATE EVERYONE AND EVERYTHING AND I WANT IT ALL TO END!!!!!! I HATE EVERYONE AND EVERYTHING AND I WANT IT ALL TO END!!!!!! I HATE EVERYONE AND EVERYTHING AND I WANT IT ALL TO END!!!!!! I HATE EVERYONE AND EVERYTHING AND I WANT IT ALL TO END!!!!!! I HATE EVERYONE AND EVERYTHING AND I WANT IT ALL TO END!!!!!! I HATE EVERYONE AND EVERYTHING AND I WANT IT ALL TO END!!!!!! I HATE EVERYONE AND EVERYTHING AND I WANT IT ALL TO END!!!!!! I HATE EVERYONE AND EVERYTHING AND I WANT IT ALL TO END!!!!!! I HATE EVERYONE AND EVERYTHING AND I WANT IT ALL TO END!!!!!! I HATE EVERYONE AND EVERYTHING AND I WANT IT ALL TO END!!!!!! I HATE EVERYONE AND EVERYTHING AND I WANT IT ALL TO END!!!!!! I HATE EVERYONE AND EVERYTHING AND I WANT IT ALL TO END!!!!!! I HATE EVERYONE AND EVERYTHING AND I WANT IT ALL TO END!!!!!! I HATE EVERYONE AND EVERYTHING AND I WANT IT ALL TO END!!!!!! I HATE EVERYONE AND EVERYTHING AND I WANT IT ALL TO END!!!!!! I HATE EVERYONE AND EVERYTHING AND I WANT IT ALL TO END!!!!!! I HATE EVERYONE AND EVERYTHING AND I WANT IT ALL TO END!!!!!! I HATE EVERYONE AND EVERYTHING AND I WANT IT ALL TO END!!!!!! I HATE EVERYONE AND EVERYTHING AND I WANT IT ALL TO END!!!!!! I HATE EVERYONE AND EVERYTHING AND I WANT IT ALL TO END!!!!!! I HATE EVERYONE AND EVERYTHING AND I WANT IT ALL TO END!!!!!! I HATE EVERYONE AND EVERYTHING AND I WANT IT ALL TO END!!!!!! I HATE EVERYONE AND EVERYTHING AND I WANT IT ALL TO END!!!!!! I HATE EVERYONE AND EVERYTHING AND I WANT IT ALL TO END!!!!!! I HATE EVERYONE AND EVERYTHING AND I WANT IT ALL TO END!!!!!! I HATE EVERYONE AND EVERYTHING AND I WANT IT ALL TO END!!!!!! I HATE EVERYONE AND EVERYTHING AND I WANT IT ALL TO END!!!!!! I HATE EVERYONE AND EVERYTHING AND I WANT IT ALL TO END!!!!!! I HATE EVERYONE AND EVERYTHING AND I WANT IT ALL TO END!!!!!! I HATE EVERYONE AND EVERYTHING AND I WANT IT ALL TO END!!!!!! I HATE EVERYONE AND EVERYTHING AND I WANT IT ALL TO END!!!!!! I HATE EVERYONE AND EVERYTHING AND I WANT IT ALL TO END!!!!!! I HATE EVERYONE AND EVERYTHING AND I WANT IT ALL TO END!!!!!! I HATE EVERYONE AND EVERYTHING AND I WANT IT ALL TO END!!!!!! I HATE EVERYONE AND EVERYTHING AND I WANT IT ALL TO END!!!!!! I HATE EVERYONE AND EVERYTHING AND I WANT IT ALL TO END!!!!!! I HATE EVERYONE AND EVERYTHING AND I WANT IT ALL TO END!!!!!! I HATE EVERYONE AND EVERYTHING AND I WANT IT ALL TO END!!!!!! I HATE EVERYONE AND EVERYTHING AND I WANT IT ALL TO END!!!!!! I HATE EVERYONE AND EVERYTHING AND I WANT IT ALL TO END!!!!!! I HATE EVERYONE AND EVERYTHING AND I WANT IT ALL TO END!!!!!! I HATE EVERYONE AND EVERYTHING AND I WANT IT ALL TO END!!!!!! I HATE EVERYONE AND EVERYTHING AND I WANT IT ALL TO END!!!!!! I HATE EVERYONE AND EVERYTHING AND I WANT IT ALL TO END!!!!!! I HATE EVERYONE AND EVERYTHING AND I WANT IT ALL TO END!!!!!! I HATE EVERYONE AND EVERYTHING AND I WANT IT ALL TO END!!!!!! I HATE EVERYONE AND EVERYTHING AND I WANT IT ALL TO END!!!!!! I HATE EVERYONE AND EVERYTHING AND I WANT IT ALL TO END!!!!!! I HATE EVERYONE AND EVERYTHING AND I WANT IT ALL TO END!!!!!! I HATE EVERYONE AND EVERYTHING AND I WANT IT ALL TO END!!!!!! I HATE EVERYONE AND EVERYTHING AND I WANT IT ALL TO END!!!!!! I HATE EVERYONE AND EVERYTHING AND I WANT IT ALL TO END!!!!!! I HATE EVERYONE AND EVERYTHING AND I WANT IT ALL TO END!!!!!! I HATE EVERYONE AND EVERYTHING AND I WANT IT ALL TO END!!!!!! I HATE EVERYONE AND EVERYTHING AND I WANT IT ALL TO END!!!!!! I HATE EVERYONE AND EVERYTHING AND I WANT IT ALL TO END!!!!!! I HATE EVERYONE AND EVERYTHING AND I WANT IT ALL TO END!!!!!! I HATE EVERYONE AND EVERYTHING AND I WANT IT ALL TO END!!!!!! I HATE EVERYONE AND EVERYTHING AND I WANT IT ALL TO END!!!!!! I HATE EVERYONE AND EVERYTHING AND I WANT IT ALL TO END!!!!!! I HATE EVERYONE AND EVERYTHING AND I WANT IT ALL TO END!!!!!! I HATE EVERYONE AND EVERYTHING AND I WANT IT ALL TO END!!!!!! I HATE EVERYONE AND EVERYTHING AND I WANT IT ALL TO END!!!!!! I HATE EVERYONE AND EVERYTHING AND I WANT IT ALL TO END!!!!!! I HATE EVERYONE AND EVERYTHING AND I WANT IT ALL TO END!!!!!! I HATE EVERYONE AND EVERYTHING AND I WANT IT ALL TO END!!!!!! I HATE EVERYONE AND EVERYTHING AND I WANT IT ALL TO END!!!!!! I HATE EVERYONE AND EVERYTHING AND I WANT IT ALL TO END!!!!!! I HATE EVERYONE AND EVERYTHING AND I WANT IT ALL TO END!!!!!! I HATE EVERYONE AND EVERYTHING AND I WANT IT ALL TO END!!!!!! I HATE EVERYONE AND EVERYTHING AND I WANT IT ALL TO END!!!!!! I HATE EVERYONE AND EVERYTHING AND I WANT IT ALL TO END!!!!!! I HATE EVERYONE AND EVERYTHING AND I WANT IT ALL TO END!!!!!! I HATE EVERYONE AND EVERYTHING AND I WANT IT ALL TO END!!!!!! I HATE EVERYONE AND EVERYTHING AND I WANT IT ALL TO END!!!!!! I HATE EVERYONE AND EVERYTHING AND I WANT IT ALL TO END!!!!!! I HATE EVERYONE AND EVERYTHING AND I WANT IT ALL TO END!!!!!! I HATE EVERYONE AND EVERYTHING AND I WANT IT ALL TO END!!!!!! I HATE EVERYONE AND EVERYTHING AND I WANT IT ALL TO END!!!!!! I HATE EVERYONE AND EVERYTHING AND I WANT IT ALL TO END!!!!!! I HATE EVERYONE AND EVERYTHING AND I WANT IT ALL TO END!!!!!! I HATE EVERYONE AND EVERYTHING AND I WANT IT ALL TO END!!!!!! I HATE EVERYONE AND EVERYTHING AND I WANT IT ALL TO END!!!!!! I HATE EVERYONE AND EVERYTHING AND I WANT IT ALL TO END!!!!!! I HATE EVERYONE AND EVERYTHING AND I WANT IT ALL TO END!!!!!! I HATE EVERYONE AND EVERYTHING AND I WANT IT ALL TO END!!!!!! I HATE EVERYONE AND EVERYTHING AND I WANT IT ALL TO END!!!!!! I HATE EVERYONE AND EVERYTHING AND I WANT IT ALL TO END!!!!!! I HATE EVERYONE AND EVERYTHING AND I WANT IT ALL TO END!!!!!! I HATE EVERYONE AND EVERYTHING AND I WANT IT ALL TO END!!!!!! I HATE EVERYONE AND EVERYTHING AND I WANT IT ALL TO END!!!!!! I HATE EVERYONE AND EVERYTHING AND I WANT IT ALL TO END!!!!!! I HATE EVERYONE AND EVERYTHING AND I WANT IT ALL TO END!!!!!! I HATE EVERYONE AND EVERYTHING AND I WANT IT ALL TO END!!!!!! I HATE EVERYONE AND EVERYTHING AND I WANT IT ALL TO END!!!!!! I HATE EVERYONE AND EVERYTHING AND I WANT IT ALL TO END!!!!!! I HATE EVERYONE AND EVERYTHING AND I WANT IT ALL TO END!!!!!! I HATE EVERYONE AND EVERYTHING AND I WANT IT ALL TO END!!!!!! I HATE EVERYONE AND EVERYTHING AND I WANT IT ALL TO END!!!!!! I HATE EVERYONE AND EVERYTHING AND I WANT IT ALL TO END!!!!!! I HATE EVERYONE AND EVERYTHING AND I WANT IT ALL TO END!!!!!! I HATE EVERYONE AND EVERYTHING AND I WANT IT ALL TO END!!!!!! I HATE EVERYONE AND EVERYTHING AND I WANT IT ALL TO END!!!!!! I HATE EVERYONE AND EVERYTHING AND I WANT IT ALL TO END!!!!!! I HATE EVERYONE AND EVERYTHING AND I WANT IT ALL TO END!!!!!! I HATE EVERYONE AND EVERYTHING AND I WANT IT ALL TO END!!!!!! I HATE EVERYONE AND EVERYTHING AND I WANT IT ALL TO END!!!!!! I HATE EVERYONE AND EVERYTHING AND I WANT IT ALL TO END!!!!!! I HATE EVERYONE AND EVERYTHING AND I WANT IT ALL TO END!!!!!! I HATE EVERYONE AND EVERYTHING AND I WANT IT ALL TO END!!!!!! I HATE EVERYONE AND EVERYTHING AND I WANT IT ALL TO END!!!!!! I HATE EVERYONE AND EVERYTHING AND I WANT IT ALL TO END!!!!!! I HATE EVERYONE AND EVERYTHING AND I WANT IT ALL TO END!!!!!! I HATE EVERYONE AND EVERYTHING AND I WANT IT ALL TO END!!!!!! I HATE EVERYONE AND EVERYTHING AND I WANT IT ALL TO END!!!!!! I HATE EVERYONE AND EVERYTHING AND I WANT IT ALL TO END!!!!!! I HATE EVERYONE AND EVERYTHING AND I WANT IT ALL TO END!!!!!! I HATE EVERYONE AND EVERYTHING AND I WANT IT ALL TO END!!!!!! I HATE EVERYONE AND EVERYTHING AND I WANT IT ALL TO END!!!!!! I HATE EVERYONE AND EVERYTHING AND I WANT IT ALL TO END!!!!!! I HATE EVERYONE AND EVERYTHING AND I WANT IT ALL TO END!!!!!! I HATE EVERYONE AND EVERYTHING AND I WANT IT ALL TO END!!!!!! I HATE EVERYONE AND EVERYTHING AND I WANT IT ALL TO END!!!!!! I HATE EVERYONE AND EVERYTHING AND I WANT IT ALL TO END!!!!!! I HATE EVERYONE AND EVERYTHING AND I WANT IT ALL TO END!!!!!! I HATE EVERYONE AND EVERYTHING AND I WANT IT ALL TO END!!!!!! I HATE EVERYONE AND EVERYTHING AND I WANT IT ALL TO END!!!!!!
I just
have to
callllllllllm
dowwwwwwn…
and cry.
God.
I just don’t know what to do anymore.
I want to be a good person and help others but I can’t even help myself.
Stupid fucking women. Stupid fucking everything. I hate this. I hate the way I feel. Stupid fucking feelings. God. I wish I could just rip this stupid fucking heart out of my stupid fucking chest and DESTROY IT.
I just
have to
calllllllllllllm
DOWWWWWWWWWWN…
Callllllllllllm
Dowwwwwwwwwn
(say it with me)
Calllllllllllllllm
Dowwwwwwwwwwwwwwwn.
and BREATHE!
Breathe.
I have to breathe.
It just feels like the end of the world. The end of MY world. It is the end of my world. Nicki was my world.
I will never, ever allow myself to fall THAT deep in love ever again.
There’s infatuation >> crush >> puppy love >> new love >> normal love >> great love >> endless love >> Fairy Tale Love >> retarded love.
And I am in love with Nicki at the retarded level. The level that’s so far above what it should be, that it’s retarded.
And since it’s so retardedly high, my heart is so retardedly destroyed. I don’t think I can feel anything.
I’ll never love another woman on the retarded level ever again. I will always be grounded in reality next time. They will have some level of expendability.
If I don’t fucking choke them to death in anger.
Who am I kidding? I can’t hurt women. It’s just something I can’t do. I’m a bitch.
Callllllllllllllm
dowwwwwwwwwwwnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnn……………………………………….
It’s almost 3AM and I’m still awake.
Fall back to the areas of my mind still sane. Seal the doors.
She’s destroying me.
I’m dying.
I’m being murdered in front of your eyes.
I’ve met an obstacle I can’t overcome by myself.
And I don’t like people.
And I don’t talk about my problems.
And I don’t let anybody get close to me.
And games can’t comfort this.
What can I do?
I don’t know.
I apologize to everyone that has been, is being, and will be hurt during this part of my life.
I wish I could get some sort of Divine quest from God Himself saying “Do this and you are redeemed”. I need something spelled out in stone. I need a purpose. My last purpose left me for another man.
I’m feeling self-destructive. I’m ready to drag myself along until there is nothing left of me.
I’m going to bed. Maybe sleep will help.
No notes. I don’t want words from anybody. Just leave me the way I am – alone.