R.I.P. Noky… =(

Well hello there, my dearest ladies… and Michael.

This Spring Break thus far… has been… event filled. I’ll try to
get it all out, but no promises.

I don’t even know where to begin.

It’s been an unpleasant past few days, but NOT because of things
that have happened to ME directly.

It’s all indirect damage towards Bruce.

I’ll list the things that have happened… by how BAD they are.

The first and most horrible thing that has happened to me…

My army friend Noky… died. Like Eric, he committed suicide.

… I am very sad and hurt by this. I just don’t know what I’m
suppose to do anymore. Everybody I care about is dying.

Here’s a picture of Noky.

—

—

Noky worked with me, Eric, Critt and everyone else. Our commo shop
is developing a reputation of killing ourselves.

I hate the army. It destroys lives. I’ll never forgive the army
for the deaths of my friends.

What’s sad is I’m becoming so fucking numb to people dying.

The next horrible thing to happen, my parents had an issue
on Monday.

A tornado formed in their front yard around 0230 in the morning…
ripped up 12+ trees, and threw a few of them into my parents
house… y’know, the Mansion I helped them attain.

One of the trees, crashed into their bedroom, while they were asleep
in bed… The tree hit their matress that they were sleeping on…
penetrated and pierced THROUGH the mattress, and hit the box spring.
The box spring flies out from underneath the mattress and smashes
into the wall. The mattress, no longer having a box spring under it..
falls to the floor.

I am eternally lucky that the tree DID NOT HIT either of my parents…
It’s a miracle to me. They were both sleeping in the bed… and a
fucking tree almost murdered them.

I will not allow my parents to be murdered in their sleep by a fucking
tree.

So now they have a giant hole in their dream house mansion, that
hopefully will be taken care of by the insurance company.

—

That’s mostly all the bad stuff that happened that’s been bothering
me. Now for some hopefully positive stuff.

I’m going skydiving on Saturday with some school friends. I’ve always
wanted to go skydiving and I have been presented with that opportunity.

I just wish Nicki was still my friend. She wanted to go skydiving
too, long ago. I would have glady taken her and payed for her.

But she’s gone. She’s married, and she’s pregnant. Good for her. Time for me
to jump out of a plane.

So if I never write again after Saturday, it’s because I hit the ground
and died. I wouldn’t be surprised if that epiphany feeling
I have inside of me is the knowledge that I will soon die. As
mentioned in a previous OD entry, I feel like it’s my time.

Also as previously mentioned in earlier entries… I’ve been running
over deep questions about life, universe, and things like that. Mostly
religious. I’m not really sure just how Christian I am. Maybe I’m
not a christian at all. But if I’m not christian, what religion would
I fit? There’s quite a few that I like, but no one religion truly
fits comfortably with me. I need to be able to agree with my religion.
I can’t believe something if I don’t agree with what it’s all about.

Maybe I just believe in a higher power, but that’s it. I just don’t
know.

I don’t know what I’m suppose to do with my life now. I need a reason to live
that doesn’t involve Nicki. I always use to say to myself “I
can’t wait till I’m out of the Army” to help me keep moving forward…
and I caught myself saying that today. Then I realized it and said
“I’m already out of the Army… so I can’t wait until…” and I had
no idea what to say. I definetly need something to live for. A goal.
A real long term goal that I want. But I just can’t think of anything.

I’m sad. And I have good reason to be. So many terrible things.
I need Nicki now so badly. Or Kayli (my future wife).

If I were given a button and told “Press this button and all life
will be destroyed.”, I would press it. Even though all those
I care about would be included, even my precious Nicki… I would
do it. I’m sorry.

But other than that… I have controlled myself. I’m still trying
to be a better person. I still feel that feeling inside of me.
I wonder if I’m just finally feeling what it’s like to be “Free”?
And that every other person in the world that’s free feels this
feeling too and they just don’t realize it?

I think I failed in being more generous than normal though. I
can’t remember what I did, but I know I did something selfish
earlier this week. Shame on me. Double shame. I’ll just have
to make it up somehow.

I hope everyone out there is having a better week than I am.

I’ll post some skydiving pictures after Saturday. =) If I have
any.

Take care ladies. And Michael.

~Bruce