10/25/08

Another night she keeps me from sleeping…

Why am I not good enough for her? Does she ever think about me? What trait does he have that I don’t?

I just feel like throwing a fucking planet at him right now.

Have y’all ever noticed that I’m stuck in a terrible loop over this girl?

First it’s the Propaganda Phase — “I’m happy, I’ve never been better.” but it’s never true.

Then it’s the Sadness Phase “Oh I hurt so bad. Boo hoo.”

And then it’s the current phase, the Anger Phase “I hate all women! I hate everything!”

Then it’s right back to the Propaganda phase.

I just need that miracle person or event to come into my life and pull me out of this cycle.

I’m removing notes from this entry. This entry isn’t here for notes. It’s here so I can look back on this 80 years from now and think “Damn, I’m old.” or something. So fuck notes.

I just don’t know how much longer I can take this shit. I can’t sleep at night. I walk around with a fake smile, wondering how my world fell apart only a few months ago. I get all this anger building up inside me that I just can’t vent fast enough. I can only workout so much until my body starts to break and then it’s still building up inside until I feel like I’m going to explode like an IED that takes out North and South America. I feel like hurting myself but I know it’s not going to relieve this anger.

I just want to go around and purposefully hurt other people until somebody finally takes me out. I want everyone to feel my despair. I want to see it on their faces.

I should never have to take a sleeping pill over a woman. But I can’t fucking sleep if I don’t. At least sleep has been nightmareless since I got out of the army. It’s almost like a temporary refuge.

I just feel like an ant that is being punished for biting someone, by squishing me with 2 fucking planets. It’s overkill.

And the part that really pisses me off is that I called this. I called this. I said, waaaaaaaaaaay back when, using my logic, that I would never be with a girl like her. Simply because she’s out of my league.

And then my panzy side took over and my feelings turned me into this complete jackass moron that when I look back and read those gay ass entries that I’m surprised I haven’t deleted, I just… I just…

I wish Bruce Riggs was a playable character in Smash Bros or Street Fighter, so I could beat the shit out of myself.

I’m going to surgically remove my heart, put it in a safe, invent space travel, find an ocean planet, and throw my heart into the deepest part and never look back.

If I didn’t have feelings, I’d be so much better off. Every other aspect of my life is looking so promising. Or so good. It’s just my feelings that are all fucked up. I feel like my heart is rotting. Like there’s a giant gaping hole and all around it the flesh is starting to rot.

Fuck this. This isn’t helping either.

Dear Bruce who looks back on this entry years from now…

Fuck you.

Love,

~Bruce of 2008.

—

It’s just not right. I can’t sleep at night. I hurt. But I bet she’s doing just fine. Reaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaal fine. Probably doesn’t even ever think about me. Or remember me.

There’s so much going on in my life with school and friends right now, there really is, but I’m just in no mood to talk about it. Because it doesn’t matter. That’s the problem. The only thing that matters is her. And now? Nothing. Nothing matters.

If I don’t get over this girl by the time I’m 30, I’m killing myself. Life just wont be worth living if this is all I’m ever going to feel. It’s not a coward’s way out. I’m not afraid. I just honestly don’t see a reason to live a long life if I seriously have to continue to feel this anger and sadness mixed like this. And it’s not being selfish either. I understand it would hurt my friends and family to do that, but seriously, I think it would be more selfish of my friends and family to ask me to keep living in such pain. It really is that bad.

I feel if I could share this pain equally among every living being on the planet, it would still be overwhelming. It’s just immense. No one is meant to deal with this kind of shit. Not over a woman. Fuck this.

Well I’m rambling. And I’m fucking tired. But I can’t fucking sleep. So I’m gonna keep fucking typing. So keep fucking reading. The word Fucking is so fucking thera-fucking-peutic. I fucking reco-fucking-mmend it to every-fucking-one.

I will either get over this pain one day, or I will make someone (or everyone) pay for it. I swear it.

Have a nice fucking night, Nicki. I love you. Like you give a shit.

~Bruce