I Will Come Back For You

How can you make it perfectly clear to someone that you understand what they are going through. And that you understand the feelings of hopelessness and feelings of being a failure and all those terrible feelings that come with military life?

I say the words, and I describe the situation, but it just doesn’t seem to be enough. I wish I could just show her a way to deal with all the pain and frustrations of military life. But I guess that’s something you just have to learn on your own. Which kills me.

I’ve got plenty of experience in dealing with this shit, I could be such a great help, but I’m just too far away. What am I going to do if this changes her? What if this throws her into a deep, dark brooding depression that no one can ever retrieve her from? I don’t know what I’d do. But I would definetly take it out on the military. I am so sick of the military hurting every thing and one that I care about. I am seriously sick of it. And if this madness doesn’t end soon, I’m going to hop in my car, go over there, and end this shit myself. I can’t just let good people suffer. And I can’t stand seeing her suffer. I’ll be damned.

I can’t wait till August. When I can finally be around for everyone that needs me, and not have to be away any more. To never have to leave again. And I will never leave again. At least not her. She really needs some sort of stability in her life right now. I will provide that stability. I’m upset because… her family isn’t… taking this the way I had hoped they would. They don’t understand.

The military’s basic goes like this. They break you. They attempt to build you back up. They don’t always succeed in either of those attempts. They broke me. But they never built me back up. I was depressed and filled with suicidal thoughts for the longest time after basic. They sent me as far away from home as possible. To Germany!

And I was just so… filled with hopelessness. I wasn’t going to kill myself, but I honestly didn’t care if I lived or died. I wouldn’t make any effort to save myself. I didn’t feel worth saving. And I stayed like this for a long time. Then Thanksgiving of 2004, I got an email… from Nicki. My first email from Nicki.

Hey, Brucey. It’s Nicki Cook-Brooke’s cousin, friend of Tabitha. What’s up? How have you been I just wanted to wish you a very Happy Thanksgiving. I know Germany can be cold, but you can warm up with this thought-all of us over here miss you. I’m a bit jealous, though, of you getting to be in Germany. I haven’t been there since I was………Well I don’t remeber how old I was, but whatever. Love ya! bye!

That made my entire year. So I started chatting with my friends more often. Jonathan, Brooke, Nicki. And I got better. On my own. The military nearly destroyed me.

And now the same thing is happening to Nicki. She needs love and support. And she’s not getting it. And it’s pissing me off. I know what it feels like to be without hope, and I’m telling you it’s not pleasant. Everybody needs to put their own personal opinions ASIDE and help her. Or so help me I’ll help you help her by FUCKING YOU UP. Understand!??

~Bruce