I’m Back…

Letter to her…

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Okay. We’re getting somewhere.

Alright. So maybe I should be more considerate of other people when I “disappear”. It does make me feel better inside, but apparently I’m not helping others when I could be. Alright. I understand this.

Now to express my frustration. You don’t say them to be hurtful, but you ARE being hurtful. You have to understand that. Especially when it’s someone who cares about you. And you know I care about you. How do you think I felt when the only one who matters in my life called me a pig? I just wanted to slit my wrists and die right in front of my computer. But I realize you don’t always mean what you say out of anger. Now maybe I am acting that way,… but there’s better ways
to word your frustration.

“Bruce, I’m frustrated with the way your acting because it makes me feel like you only care about yourself, and because to me, “disappearing” as you describe it seems like running away from your
problems. And I don’t think that this is beneficial to you or your friends in the end.”

So… can you please try to just not use them anymore period? Just to find another way to word your frustrations and to get your point accross. So far we’ve gone like 3-4 emails without them and already I am cooling down. This really works, Nicki.

I wont disappear anymore. I never meant to hurt people by doing it. I have just always found a few days/weeks/months to myself have made me feel better. But now I realize that it hurts others so I will find another way to cope with my issues. I realized this mostly due to these angry emails we just threw back and forth at each other.

~Bruce

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I’m sorry Brooke. I wont disappear anymore… but I don’t know how to deal with all these problems I’m having. I have survivor guilt, I love a woman I can never have, I feel like my life has been wasted…

I… I just don’t know how to cope with this all. But I didn’t realize I was hurting everyone around me by simply keeping them out. I’m so sorry. It’s just the way I’ve always fixed myself. I spend a few days, weeks, or months just tending to myself. Doing what I want to do, spoiling myself… and then I come back to my life feeling refreshed – better.

I need to find a new way to deal with my problems now. And I have to do it while having friends in my life… but I don’t know if I want to talk about them… I’m still in the “loner” mode at the moment…

So there you have it OpenDiary readers… I will not disappear anymore. I don’t know how well this will work out… but we’ll see. I never looked at it as running away. I always looked at it as spending time with myself.

~Bruce