Fluctuate

What a day,

I went to work at 9AM. My coworkers didn’t show up till about 10. I was feeling lousy and apparently it showed. When my coworker walked through the door this morning I said “Good morning” and he said

“What’s wrong?”

I said “What do you mean?”

He said “You never say good morning. You hate working here. You’re glasses are on the desk instead of your face, which means you have a headache, and you look like shit.”

I was pretty speechless. I didn’t know what to tell him. I just told him “Don’t ask.”

I didn’t think I looked like shit. But now, looking back, I do sort of see what he means. I don’t know HOW I look like shit though. I conducted personal hygiene, like I do every day. I combed what little hair I have… I brushed my teeth, I shaved… I didn’t miss a beat.

But I do look like shit. I think it’s the wrinkles around my eyes. They… are angled differently then normal. Normally it’s like a carefree-Santa-Claus smile wrinkle type thing… But now it’s more of a Old-man wrinkle thing. How sad that I even HAVE wrinkles at the age of 24. But such is the price of such a stressful job. I also think I’ll get a haircut because although it’s not due now, maybe that’ll help me look better. I don’t even have hair, why do I bother?

Anyways, I got so much work done I was surprised. Normally I do about 3-4 computers a day. Today I fixed 16 computers, and then sabotaged 1. Long story that I don’t feel like getting into regarding the sabotage…

And now I’m back home for the day. She called me just now and I finally told her that I need to disappear for awhile… she did not take the news very well.

She said I’m being childish. I don’t feel like I’m being childish. It’s just the way I deal with problems — alone. Where was she in Iraq? Nowhere to be found. I can’t depend on her for my problems. I can’t depend on anybody for my problems. Just me, myself, and I. I’m the only one who’s always gonna be there for me. Depending on somebody else is just setting yourself up for failure. I am all I need. I can take care of myself. And if she really respected me as a FRIEND, then she would support my decision and say something along the lines of “I’ll be here when you get back”.

Anyways, There’s this woman at work that definetly likes me. She keeps trying to hang out with me… and I keep pushing her away — for a very good reason: She’s married. What’s worse is she outranks me. Whats also worse (or better, haha) is that she’s very hot and sexy. How do you deal with a situation like that? I confess,… I am sometimes tempted, but because I am a good guy, I will always do the right thing — which is say no to married women.

I remember what it felt like to be cheated on. It was the most painful experience I’ve ever felt. I could never imagine MYSELF being “The other man”. I don’t ever want to hurt anybody like I was hurt. Wanting to die, that’s how I felt.

Still,… I am always tempted. Especially when I’m so alone… It’s almost as if she knows I’m vulnerable… That’s just a small victory for me. A victory over the darker side of myself.

~Bruce