the emotional spectrum

I once heard somebody say that the more ticklish you are, the more jealous a person you are. And now I can’t help but think it’s true, because I’m so ticklish that I’m afraid to be touched, and sometimes the green eyed monster in me is as strong and powerful as the Hulk.

What I’m feeling at the moment isn’t jealousy, though.

I spoke to my ex-girl for over an hour today. It was ok at first, but then it got weird. And doesn’t it always? Somebody accidently triggers a walk down memory lane, and then comes the silence and you’re both sitting on opposite ends of wires and signals thinking and wishing you weren’t, and before it’s too late I’m making excuses to hang up and saying goodbye because I don’t want either of us to say something we’ll regret.

I don’t know what I’m feeling.

I’m angry because of a few things. Because people keep hassling her at school about whether she was with me or not and how she has to keep lying to save face. Because the reason she has to lie, and we had to end it was because of her mother. Because I hurt her and I never ever meant to. But most of all I’m angry because I can’t stop lying and hiding who I am.

It sickens me how weak I really am sometimes.

I wish all this didn’t happen today, because I had plans of writing about how I finally got my licence, and how yesterday I wasted a whole tank of petrol driving around all day and night with my friends to anywhere and everywhere and having a blast with all of our favourite songs being played.

I’m not sure if it was today itself, or the lack of sleep and the flu but my emotions were bouncing all over the shop today and it was really quite draining.

I’m going to Melbourne on Saturday. Maybe some time away from SYdney will do me good and clear my head.