Another Entry

My life was all figured out. I was engaged. Happy. I mean, yeah, I’d had a rough start considering my past abuse and my father’s death. But Trey helped me get over all that. And then it was all taken away from me. I lost my best friend and it didn’t take more than a minute. My medicine helps me to not think about it as much, but sometimes I can’t help it.

I remember the blood dripping from his face covering him, the seat, the car, the grass. I remember how the doctors told me that he’d be fine, that it was just a broken nose…until the found out I was his fiance’. And then they acted like they wanted to tell me more, but I wasn’t related. And then his dad called me and told me that he was fighting to live.

I remember the months standing next to his bed, sleeping in hotels, chairs, or just not sleeping at all. I went home and would shower. And see his hand print on the mirror. I prayed that he’d be okay, that he’d remember me and would still love me. I remember wishing that I had been pregnant so that I could have a piece of him. We had picked out names.

He survived. But he lost a large portion of his frontal lobe that contained..who he was. And he didn’t love me anymore.

I went from spending every day with him to that. I just didn’t know how much more from life I could handle. Three years of abuse, the rape, my dad dying, now this? I’m only 21. I’m scared to think of what else might happen. Sometimes it feels like something, someone doesn’t want me to be happy. But that would imply I’m important, and I really am not in the grand scheme of things.

When will things get better? STAY better? Will I find someone new just to have them die next time?