09/03/2011

I don’t know how to feel about the fact that my ex is becoming my best friend. Considering what happened with us…what he did to me, and how much I hated him for so long. It’s just amazing that things can change so fast after a wreck. I mean, he really is a different person, but I’m more amazed at me. I told myself there was no way I’d ever be okay with what happened. But after the accident I just didn’t want to hold anything bad in me anymore. I didn’t want to hate.

Now that I’m past all that, he’s the one that I look forward to hanging out with every week. And he seems to really care about me. He makes plans to hang out with me, puts time aside for me…he doesn’t ever act like he will hurt me like he did before, and he has not shown any sort of anger towards me. It doesn’t seem like he’s tip toeing or just being careful, it seems like he’s genuinely nicer.

I had been going back and forth on our friendship since we started talking again this past summer. When we started having sex after Trey and I were officially over, I tried to make it just sex because he told me that he wanted to just be single. But he was my first, so there’s just no way to keep those kind of feelings at bay. And he knew how I felt, and I knew how he felt. He loves me, but we had our shot at a relationship and we’re completely different people…and while I think we have enough in common to work, he doesn’t. But then he made a point that I had to think about, even though I’ve forgiven him, can I ever be with him and not be scared that he’ll do it again?

And then I admitted to myself that I am probably clinging to him because of losing Trey. While my emotions for him are real, I never would have talked to him again if the accident hadn’t occurred. And because it did, I crave attention from someone I love because even though Trey can’t help that he doesn’t love me anymore..I still feel rejected.

So, I love Mike, and I know we don’t have anything other than friendship in our future. But I can be happy in the now. He talks to me about important things, unimportant things, comforts me, supports me, and, yeah..he pleases me sexually. While I want him to be the one, it takes two. And he’s convinced we aren’t to be. I’ll be happy like this until I find someone better. It just may take a while since I don’t get out much outside of school and visiting him.

I want to feel for someone like I feel for Mike and I want them to want to be with me and only me once they meet me/fall for me. He can have a past, I do too. I don’t expect him to never have been in love before. I’m in love now. But I need to know that I truly have someone to myself, and I’m only theirs too. If I didn’t need that, then I wouldn’t feel so conflicted about Mike. He’d be perfect if I didn’t care about him "talking" to other girls. I told him, "I understand that you like others, that you may sleep with others…but just don’t give me details. Tell me after you do because I deserve to know, but don’t tell me how much you like someone." He said he’d tell me. Apparently he hasn’t yet though. And if that’s the case, he’s only been sleeping with me for three months…and that’s saying something. He hasn’t been with a singular person..well, jeez..Maybe the first year I was with him? So back when I was 15. I know he can sleep with anyone right now. He has like five girls that want him, right now, that I know of..So why is it just me? He said he just didn’t feel like putting in the effort. 

I’m thinking too much.