09/17/2013

Yesterday, was a day that started off too early to even comprehend what was happening. It was a long very dark drive to Battle Creek. There were no real street lamps on the highway in Michigan, and the darkness matched the empty conversation between us. Nothing between us was really said. He was furious, and i was a tangle of emotions being kicked around into a larger ball, that still are in a mess.

We got there, and this hospital was HUGE. We found our way to the second floor. They have tunnels all around, and it is like something from a horror movie, I felt bad leaving him there, I wouldn’t want to stay there, but it was for the best. 

He got called back, and I was treated as more of a nussance,  someone there who was going to just micromanage his treatment. I got his paperwork done, and I left. More like I was kicked out. No kiss good bye, no hug, no good bye even. Just a go away. That came out in a growl of hatred, dripping with angry, tinged with terror. 

I walked out with my head up. I walked out not knowing when I would return. I still don’t know when, or if. 

I got to the car, and I wanted to cry… I still feel like I could some moments. I called the one person in the world who I know would listen to me, and comfort me, and just let me be. 

I am left to feel numb now, not sure if we are at the beginning or the end. Not knowing if I will want him when he returns, or if he will want me, or if he will want his children. He can chose to leave in 3 weeks, but will not be allowed to come home then. He must stay the full 9 weeks in order to return home to us. It is up to him. It is all up to him now, I am on hold.

Truthfully, I am not hopeful, I will say I am but I am not. I do not beleive he can do this, nor do I beleive he wants to. If he does, I am not sure I want it to work with him. Do I want a life with him? I can not even picture what that would look like. He is not the man I married, and the years of emotional abuse have taken its toll on me. I have been used as a caretaker for so long, how can I return my role as a wife with a partner who wants to be with me, in the moment we are in raising three fantastic children together? I don’t know. 

So much of me wants him to not come home. Yet, I feel lonely without him. I miss him. I love him, but I don’t like him, I don;t like his actions, and I certainly can not say I like ptsd, but there is so much more to it than that. 

What I do want to come from this is for him to be an awesome father. One who delights in his children, loves them with all his heart, and tries to understand them for who they are not the preconceived notion in his skewed mind. He needs to understand the world of a two year old, and has to understand autism, what it looks like, who she is, and what our expectations are. You know I have awesome kids, and they need a dad who thinks the same way. I don’t think this is too much to ask. No mater what happens with us one thing will remain constant, we will always be parents together, and for that reason alone, I need him to be a good one, who can think clearly and work with me to create the best life for all of us. 

Life here is going on the way it is meant to. Samara still is doing school work, the boys are still bundles of energy and joy. There is less screaming, less crying, less acting out. The house feels calm. Is calm. We are eating what we want, and doing what needs to be done. It is amazing how removing one variable can make such an imdaiate impact on how the house feels, and how the children respond. I guess when you don’t live in constant fear of rapidly cycling moods it is easier to just be yourself, and I think the kids know it intuituively.

I am still going to classes, and classes are great. Everything is still going on in front of my eyes even though I feel like I am in a fog, a fog in the middle of the kicked around tangle. I am anticpating the fog clearing a bit soon, so many fun things are going to be happening that I refuse to allow this to get to me so much I miss them.

I go to Chicago on a field trip this week, that is amazing! I love Chicgao, I can’t think of a place I enjoy visiting more. This semester we are looking at American potriats. I wonder if someone painted me what they would chose to include to convey me in one image?

Then next week is the fair, and then halloween. See life is good, life is fun, and I am detirmined to enjoy it. I have to enjoy it, I can’t give Travis and his demons that power over me that he can confine me from afar. 

I also applied to grad school this week! I am so anxious about it.

So, with that I leave you for the evening. I am hoping sleep finds me easily and my dreams are pleasnet. My dreams have been filled with turmoil and oddities as of late, and my body has ached more under the strain. Good night my fellow diary-land……