How I feel, body issues*

 **Warning** This entry contains my views and expressions on MY birth and MY body, they in no way are meant to reflect you or your story. I want to say up front, I know c/s are a necessary medical procedure in some cases, however this reflects my experiences only. 

 

 I hate my stomach, it is a deformed mess of ugliness, that I can not bear to look at in the mirror without wanting to be saddened that it is on my stomach. 

I know I know what you are thinking, you have had three kids, your stomach reflects that, well maybe, maybe it is were only my stretch marks I could deal with it. I know what set came from each child, it is funny like that, each child caused new ones in new ways, but it is not that.

The thing that bothers me are the jagged 10 inch long c/s scars running across my stomach. I have been thinking about it quiet more than I should lately and a few things have come to light on why they bother me so much. 

I have significant nerve damage in my stomach, my stomach is numb in parts and other parts stings most of the time. Then if my stomach touches anything like a car-seat getting kids in or out of the car or the counter top while washing dishes, or a child touches it, it begins to hurt enough to bring me to tears. It stings and burns and no, that can not be acceptable. But according to the medical community they don’t care.

BUt my repulsion has to be more than that right? If it were all simply pain it wouldn’t be so bad, but it occurred to me last night what the problem is.  

It is to me that it is a sign of my failure, to me and me alone it makes me feel like less of a woman. I have doubts in myself, because why would any man find me attractive because I am not fully able to claim my status as powerful and whole. I am damaged in my mind, and there is no hiding it. I have two mismatched purple scars that scream my failure. How could any man still find me desirable after that? 

The constant pain has become my constant reminder and punishment for not being a strong enough woman to have my children without interventions. I can still feel the prickly sponge they used to clean my back for the anesthesia, it makes my skin crawl. I sometimes feel the trauma after birth was somehow had to happen because I was too weak>

So, consciously or not I have begun to eat, maybe if I look as bad on the out side as I feel on the inside maybe people will believe me how badly this all makes me feel, or I will feel better because I finally match how awful I look and feel? 

It is all irrational, I know, I have seen therapists, who tell me I know as well as they do it is irrational, but knowing it is irrational, and dealing with the feelings are two very different things. I need to come to terms in my own mind how to do this. 

I know all of you out there are shouting at me, or fuming because of your own personal bias and experiences, and I understand that, but these are my feelings at the moment. I am not trying to transfer my feelings simply express them in a positive format to hopefully compassionate ears. That is something I do need. 

I don’t know how long it will take me to feel better, or confident, or whole again, maybe I never will, but I am sure someday time will pass and my new normal will take shape, and I will once again learn how to love myself and be happy in my body. 

I know my kids find nothing wrong with me, and in fact look at me like I am the most beautiful woman in the world, and I am sure one day I will feel worthy of their admiration again.