Caregiving

 For so long, I have been told that I do not mater in the VA or military wheel. I am simply the spouse I have been told, I need to learn my place, and learn not to interject too much. I am supposed to be silent. The service member is the one who needs to deal with his own issues.

For so long, I have been silently screaming, but he can’t. He can’t deal with himself, or care for himself, or care for his kids. If he showers, it is because I told him too. If he eats it is because I made him food. If his clothes are clean it is because I washed them. If he is at an appointment, it is because I made it, got him up and drove him too it. From there I told them what they needed to know because he can not speak for himself, because he gets caught on his words, or plain doesn’t remember. If the bills are paid it is because I paid them.

The frustrating thing, is I haven’t been able to do everything for him. Not when it comes to the VA. This is why our 17 month old child is not in their system. This is why the GI bill people haven’t paid us in months. This is why he hasn’t had the knee surgery he desperately needs, because I am not allowed to deal with it, and he cannot deal with it.

It is not him being lazy, it is his ptsd. It goes along with the disorder, and is one of the, what I feel more frustrating aspects of the disorder. His inability to care for himself. I feel burnt-out, and I feel like I am raising a 13 year old angry child in addition to the other kids. I am a single mom in a marriage.

Last night at my women’s group I found out about a newer program for people like me. It is the caregivers support programs. It helps the caregivers help their vets.

It has all sorts of nice things, like monetary compensation for caring for them, and respite hours. These aren’t the driving force though. It gives me the power to work with the va on his behalf. It allows me to speak with doctors and nurses. It allows me to do what he cannot so he can get better care.

Wow.

What a wonderful blessing that would be in my life. To have someone finally look at me, and say yes, I can help you, instead of telling me I am not worth the air I am breathing. It almost feels like justification for all the years I have fought.

With him being an OIF vet the standards are lower for us to qualify, and his ptsd, and knee are qualifiers.

It fills my heart with hope that maybe things might be better. Maybe he can have surgery, maybe his ptsd can be better managed.

The recognition of it all also makes me feel lighter, like finally someone is looking at family members, and saying yes, you have contributed, yes, you have made a difference. That means just as much if not more. I feel lighter with just the prospect. Maybe we can do this?

I sometimes wonder why I stay, I wonder what is wrong with me, and then, I know it is my commitment to him. No I never signed up for this, but just as my children were given to me for a reason, so was my husband.  No matter how hard that is to swallow sometimes. I see so many people who like their spouses. I wish I had that sometimes. Then I realize their spouses don’t have a mental illness.

I did find out last night, in my woman’s group that of all the men there mine is the only one who doesn’t have a drug or alcohol problem. He has a video game addition, which I would rather handle. We are all given our problems not others right?

We also found out, that none of the men in the group have ever said anything negative about any of their spouses, and only tell her how amazing we are and how lucky they are to have us. Once again nice right? I wish it would come home sometimes. I wish that at some point it would transfer to me. In time perhaps. 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

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