Choosing to feel better

 Today has gone better maybe. 

Samara got me a silly dancing flower for my van. It is so stupid that it should make me smile but it did. 

We went to therapy, and I talked to her OT. It turns out her OTs are getting married to each other. When she found out she said gross. I am still having a hard time seeing it but I am happy for them. I am still frustrated with the whole therapy thing, but I am survivng.

I have been thinking about Samara, she acts so typical so often, and then she doesn’t. Then the autism shows through. Then the sensory shines through, and it is hard. I expect her to be typical because I know she can. Then she isn’t. I wonder if it is easier if you have a lower functioning child in your expectations? I don’t really. She has some ticks that are clues to her condition. She repeats things, a lot, and gets stuck on concepts or phrases. And as hard as she tries, she simply doesn’t understand humor.

Sabastian on the other hand is making fantastic progress. He can scoot on his belly, and pull to standing now. He sits by himself, and can feed himself cheerios! He is still struggling with sensory stuff as well, but with no OT I have no idea where to begin with him. He is so happy, and social thgouh. i doubt he has autism. I think he has other issues, but is not autistic. Samara was from birth, him not so much. He is still struggling to eat. He is so uncomfortable and moans whenever he eats. I wish I had answers for that. 

Are any of you secertly feeding specialists?

no I didn’t think so.

After therapy, I went and got a California Roll. It also mad me happy.

Then we went to walmart to buy cookie dough, also made me happy

Now I am enjoying a pepsi, while writting, makes me super happy.

Perhaps food shouldn’t lead to such joy, but it does right now. 

Tonight I think we are having left overs. I am okay with that, because it is so much easier than a new meal.

Then tomorrow we are headed to the zoo, and grocery shopping, and a nice lunch out. I am excited about it. Sunday I go see my brother preach and then a movie, and then Monday might be quiet.  

My sister is going to a funeral that day.  One of the guys she went to high school with was killed in Afghanastan last week. Such a waste, I feel for his wife and daughter who is no older than Sabastian is. 

I am trying. Trying is good. I just get so lonely some days. I wish I had more people to talk to about everything. Do you know what it is like to live with people who are incapable of looking you in the eye when they talk and struggle carrying conversations? It gets lonely. I am so thankful for the friends I do have, but I miss the days before kids and going out didn’t need a plan and production. 

Oh and did I mention Samara got into Horse camp? She is going to an Autism summer camp with ABAs, OTs. PTs, &STs! So excited for her.

Oh and Travis will be back to work on Tuesday. The only bad thing is it is in KOKOMO INDIANA. That’s over 100 miles door to door. Over 200 miles a day. $43 a day in gas. They are carpooling but still ouch.

So yes, feeling better maybe, I am survivng totally, this is just a lull in my mood, and soon, very soon I should be back to myself. I think I need to learn who that is, tell her she is awesome, and learn to love her even, when I am spoken down to more than I am told I am loved.