On Sensory Sabastian

 So first steps came today to talk see Sabastian. At first he was all smiles and giggles, and then the crying started, and he cried and cried, and tryied to nurse and cried some more, and rocked and cried. and cried, and finally, finally cried and nursed himself to sleep.

They saw just how exhaustive it is to always be one step ahead of him, about how hard it too soothe him, to pacify him.

And well..

They confirmed what I knew but didin’t want to see, or know. 

He deinfelty has a senory disorder. His gross motor is significantly delayed because of his sensory problems. He doesn’t sit up, or roll over, or reach for anything. what he should be doing at 6 months I can’t even imagine it happening anytime soon. 

He Is hyper sensative to touch. He has visual and auditory problems. He wants to be moved. He can’t regulate, or self soothe. his sensory problems are getting in the way of him nursing, and eating, and devolping. His sensory needs seem to be oppisite of his sister. 

I won’t know until next week what will happen with services, but we are most certainly going to be receiving them… 

To say I am not upset would be untrue. I was happier only wondering a few hours ago. 

I cried some. 

I have a glimmer of what my life will look like in the near future. I will have 2 kids in therapy. He won’t progress like typical kids, there will be more meltdowns. More communication barriers. More investment in him. 

I keep going over in my mind what happened for us to have 2 children with spd. What did we do? was it something I could have prevented? was it something from Iraq? Was it the zofran? Is it enviromental? I wish I knew. It makes me not want another child. Seriously this weighs on my mind. 

I am happy I know. They appaulded me for knowing the signs and catching this so early. They were happy to see a mom on top of life, and knowing thier child and raising the red flag. Now we can move forward and help him… We still won’t know if he has autism for another few years. 

The only thing is I hate waiting until next week to work on all of this. I want to know everything today. Its my nature perhaps. 

I still love him. There’s nothing that would change that. He is still my son, and I plan to fight for him, and give him a chance at the best life possible. The same as I fight for Samara.