the inbetweens

So yesterday….

I took Samara to school. She wasn’t having a good morning and I even had to pass Mr. Man off to another teacher just to get her to her class.

Well I left and went to the hospital. I saw my new neices, they are adorable but so so so tiny. I then got a call to come pick up Samara.

I got to school to find her curled into a ball crying in the corner. She was in consolable. So I took her with me after about 15 minutes of coaxing. I am so frustrated with her. She doesn’t qualify for special needs preschool, but is not doing well mainstreamed. There is no happy medium. I am at a loss of what to do with her. I have her in therapy several times a week. I work with her, we all do. I love her, I am patient with her. I bend over backwards to make her life easier and it still isn’t enough. I can’t do it for her. I can’t help her anymore than I do… She has to be the one who choses to do this on her own. To find the happy place in her life where she can function without me. We haven’t reached that point yet.

 I get so frustrated with her, but i don’t think i am frustrated at her, but me. I am frustrated by my inability to do more for her, for not having the right answer..

I wish I had more support, I have grand parents who blame me, grandparents who think she perfect, and siblings who think I am to blame too not knowing what to do, and her father just wants her to be normal already.And then in the mom realm, amung Special needs moms my child is mild and theirs is worse so my problems are insgnificant. then in the typical mom realm my child is different and they dont understand… There is no common ground when all moms compete.

Then Travis lately is driving me insane. He needs to be in treatment for PTSD but is he? Nope… Just nope… I need him to function better so I can have a partner. Is that a wrong desire? Who knows… 

I somedays feel stuck in the middle of a war in the middle of the dsm. Somedays I need a day off. Even as I write this Sabastian is screaming in my lap.

I could drown. I could. But I won’t allow it. Instead I am trying to find the good, and it really is helping.

I had lunch with my dad yesterday, I am so happy he is there. Sabastian is in awe of him as well.

And I do not have MRSA or Staph, or anything else recognizable on my leg, its healing though.

I am looking forward to tomorrow, I am hoping to get the morning to myself and then tomorrow night is the union christmas party. I am looking forward to it, I get to dress up and look nice, and we will have no kids! I will have to pump half way through though, or I just may burst, but it should be fun none the less.