Stranded

A few people (and not just from here) have asked me why exactly I don’t have anyone that could throw me a baby shower. Lots of reasons, really.

1. Jake’s the only one that knows anyone local, and he’s not exactly buddy buddy with the folks in his class. It’s not like he goes and hangs out with them after class or anything.

2. We don’t even really know anyone in Fayetteville anymore, aside from JR and Louisa, and they certainly don’t have any friends out there.

3. My mom is talking about having one for me, but it’d be really awkward for me – she’d be inviting Pete’s daughters and some other women that she knows, but I’ve only ever met one of Pete’s daughters, and only once at that. Not to mention the fact that Mom lives four hours away.

4. Dawn *might* have plans for a family one, as I think she did one for Louisa, but I haven’t heard anything about it. And I’d have to drive five hours for that.

5. The rest of my family lives in the midwest mostly, so it’s certainly not feasible for any of them to have a shower for me.

In summary: I’m a loser who basically only has internet friends at this point, and has no geographically close family.

I guess I probably sound greedy, whining about a shower, but I don’t really care. Is it really so wrong of me to want what most other women get? Is it wrong to want more people that actually give a shit about me and my son? I’m stressed out enough as it is, and now I feel like a loser on top of that.

I just want Noah to have the best start in life possible. And it sucks, because Jake and I can’t afford half of what we’d like to give him. If we could, I wouldn’t have even bothered to register for half the stuff I did.

It’s not often that I ask for help. We’ve never borrowed money from anyone, and I’m extremely proud of that. I’d go hungry before I would do that – well, maybe not right now, since I have Noah to think of as well, but you get the idea. The biggest thing I’ve ever asked anyone to help me with is moving, and that was only because there’s only so much I could do by myself, or even that Jake and I could do by ourselves.

Just once, I’d like to have someone help us like we’ve helped so many other people. And just once, I wish people would keep their word. Don’t ask, because I don’t feel like going into specifics, but suffice it to say that someone was going to do something for me months ago, and it may seem like a small thing, but it meant the world to me…..and yet, I haven’t heard a peep about it in months, even though this person is doing the same thing for others.

I’ve got so much shit on my mind…..money being a primary concern. I desperately want to move – I would LOVE a place with three bedrooms, so that Noah could have his own room. Staying here just isn’t feasible to me. I can’t simply have Noah sharing a room with the computer, because he’d also be sharing a room with the cats, and I can’t have that. I’m too scared of them jumping into his crib and scratching him, or worse. And there’s NOWHERE else for us to put the litter box. But I doubt we’re going to be able to move, because there’s the whole mess with having to come up with deposit money. It’d be so much simpler if we didn’t have the cats, but there is NO way I’m getting rid of them. They’re just as much a part of the family as Noah is/will be.

Whatever. People always try to tell me how strong I am. I wish they could get a peek inside my brain to see what really goes on in there. But I do know that Jake and I will find something that works, because we always do. That’s how we are.

With or without any help.

But just once, I wish I didn’t have to worry about everything. I wish I didn’t have to be the responsible one.

I wish I wasn’t such a giving person…..that way, it wouldn’t hurt so much when I’m never given anything in return.

Make your Doodlebug predictions here!

You can also make guesses at ExpectNet. If the link doesn’t work, the game name is DoodlebugM.