Oh, baby.

So, I haven’t written too much in depth on my feelings regarding this pregnancy.

Of course, I am thrilled beyond belief. I’ve wanted this ever since we got married. Did you guys know that before he deployed that first time, we thought I might be pregnant? Found out the day he left that I wasn’t. And I remember how, in November of 2004, we thought we had the timing perfect. I was so excited at the prospect of that being his Christmas present (since he was overseas) – telling him that he was going to be a Daddy. Looks like we got our Christmas present after all, we just didn’t know it yet.

I’m nervous and terrified beyond belief, just like any first time mom-to-be. I am so deathly afraid of having a miscarriage. Anytime I get a stronger than normal cramp, I’m terrified that I’m having an ectopic pregnancy or the beginning of a miscarriage and will lose the baby. There are so many things that could happen, and I’m terrified of doing things wrong. Am I really going to be a good mother? Can we really do this?

Did you guys know that in an average cycle, a couple only has a 20-25% chance of getting pregnant? Turns out that Jake and I fall into an even smaller category – we only had a 10% chance, since Christmas was the only time we had sex the entire month (TMI, sorry). TEN percent, people. You know what I immediately thought when I read that? That this baby is an absolute miracle. That 10% chance, on top of my messed up cycles, and we beat the odds. It absolutely amazes me.

I’m worried about finances. Jake’s paychecks are going to be a little less than I thought. I don’t mind working now, but after the baby comes, it won’t make any sense. We’re going to have to save as much as possible to make ends meet between September and next February, when his truck will be paid off. That’ll be an extra $325 a month. I talked to him about something Jen mentioned to me the other night, and he doesn’t seem completely against the idea. Basically, after the baby is born, I’ll stay home, take out some student loans, work on getting my degree, and we can keep the loans in deferment status and in the meantime, use that money to pay bills. If he takes classes as well, the city will pay off his student loans at least…..or at least a portion of them, I don’t know how they factor in him having the G.I. Bill though. But once he gets even a two year degree, his pay will increase. And eventually, once I get my degree, it’ll be a little easier to get the baby into daycare, and I’ll be able to get a better paying job, and it would just all be better all around. Trying to go back to work immediately after the baby just wouldn’t make sense. Most daycares only take about 6 infants at a time, so there’s a huge waiting list, not to mention that from what I remember from when I worked in the daycare, parents pay more for infants and toddlers than they would for, say, three and four year olds. So all of whatever I earned would just be going towards daycare, and what sense does that make?

Whew. Sorry to bore y’all with all of that financial stuff. I know we’ll get it figured out, and I know we’ll make it work. That’s what we do. I’m also considering suggesting that we move when our lease here is up….I know he hates apartments, but I found some three bedroom apartments online last night that were cheaper than what we’re paying for this place, and sometimes, you gotta do what you gotta do.

It’s so hard for me to truly put all of my feelings into words. All of you mommies out there, I’m sure you know what I mean. It takes my breath away to think that there’s a little person growing inside of me, a little person that is part of me and part of Jake. I am already so full of love for this baby, I just can’t even begin to describe it. That mommy instinct is already kicking in….I would do anything to protect this child. I want him or her to have everything they need, and most of the things they want. I want to give them the best life possible, be the best mother possible to them. It scares me to death that I’m going to be so responsible for another person, and I’m terrified that I’ll fail, but I have to remember that I have Jake, my mom, the rest of our family, and all of you guys to help catch me when I stumble.

I love all of you so much, and thank you for being here with me over the past (almost) three years…..and I hope all of you will stick around for this amazing journey that I’m on now.

I have to stop writing now, because every word I type brings on a fresh flood of tears.