maybe I am over thinking

 

Its been a while since I wrote an entry like this. I’ve been using this diary more as something to remember the things that have been happening… not so much as a place to write down what I’m feeling. I guess I’ve been trying to ignore what I have been feeling for a while. And I think that most of that is because of the deployment because I was too afraid of letting myself feel anything about that. Because who wants to feel the real emotions that come with deployment? No one. Well no one in their right mind anyway.

I’m tired. I’m tired of doing this all by myself. I’m tired of being the only one waking up with NIcholai every single night and trying to take care of all the bills and the house and the cat and Nicholai and the cars and the future and myself. I feel more and more like a single mom every single day. And I don’t mean relationship wise, I still feel married, I don’t feel the need or desire to go out and date or anything like that…. that isn’t what I mean. But I feel alone.

All alone.

All the time.

And talking to Chris doesn’t seem to be helping that anymore. He was slowly growing more and more distant and now that the 360 is over there he is even more distant. He plays the game while we talk and it makes having a conversation almost impossible. I write something and don’t get anything back for 3-4-5min sometimes. And I know some of it is just the internet being slow… but some of it is him playing the game and just not paying attention to me. Which I try really hard not to get upset about, because I know he has work to do overthere and playing helps him take his mind off things.

And then I think about what things he has on his mind.

He told me he isn’t happy at Matt being here. (Matt is my ex who I dated for 6 months my senior year of high school) There is nothing that I can do about it. He just got out of the Navy and has no where to go. He loves Nicholai so he is trying to help me with Nicholai and Chris isn’t happy about that either. He brought up feelings about what happened with his first marriage… I asked him to talk to me about it…. he hasn’t. I asked him to email me about it if that was easier. He hasn’t.

So I find myself pulling away from him too. It’s hard for me to talk to him being here because my parents house is NOT child proof at all. So I’m constantly following Nicholai around and trying to keep him from getting into things he can’t get into. Which things he can’t get into are everywhere so I never get to sit down. This vacation hasn’t been much of a vacation. I have help, but I also have more to do. It’s more relaxing at home, more lonely but more relaxing. But I don’t want to do the drive right now after what happened on the way here… so I find myself stuck here in a sense.

I’m just so tired of this. I guess that is the best way to describe it. I feel so apart from my husband all the time now. I feel different from how I used to be, like I am turning into a different person. I don’t think I’m explaining it right, the emotions that I’m feeling… I can’t explain.

I miss the connection that I used to feel with Chris. I used to feel like we were in everything together and now it feels like I have a life here completely seperate from him and he has his life there, seperate from me and we are no longer a couple working to get through life together but we are two seperate entities who just happen to talk alot. We still say I love you all the time, it isn’t that. Maybe the lack of physical touch is the issue?

And no… I don’t mean sex.

I mean holding hands, I mean the look he gives me sometimes when he looks in my eyes, I mean the kissing, the being in his arms. I feel like I am forgetting what that is like. It feels like if he looked into my eyes right now the "connection" that once was there wouldn’t be anymore. He sounds different when we talk on the phone, he writes different when we IM, and there isn’t one thing that I can pinpoint as different. It’s not like he is saying things different. It’s the tone of things. Everything feels harsher. Not like him. Like he is losing his romance… I can almost feel it… the romance slipping away. I once used to imagine Chris and my love being like that of Edward and Bella. He wasn’t quite that intense but for real life, and not a book or a movie, it was an Edward/Bella kind of love… and I don’t feel that from him anymore.

But I can’t explain that to him without hurting him. I can’t explain it to him in a way that wouldn’t make him think he was a bad husband or a bad father…. hell I can hardly explain it to myself. I can hardly sit here and put it into words. So how do I put it in nicer words for him?

I can’t think of a way.

And I’ve been trying.

Because he told me that he wanted me to talk to him about anything and everything that I was feeling. But I can’t tell him something that I can’t explain. And I can’t always be the only one talking because I know there are things that he needs/wants/should talk about but he isn’t.

And then he is going to be home for 5 months and we are going to go through this deployment bullshit all over again. I’m starting to think it would be better if he just deployed for a whole year… because we have to push everything back now. All the plans that I had in my mind and shot to shit now. Though I should have known because it’s the Army. I should have known better then to plan anything because the Army always messes it up. And the sad thing is…. Chris doesn’t seem to be at all upset about the fact that he will be home for a very short time and turn around and be gone again. He doesn’t seem to care. So I try to make it so that I don’t care. And I can put on a good front, that’s for damn sure. But that’s all it is. I’m upset about it. I’m upset that we will have hardly any time together. I’m upset that we can’t start trying for another baby. I’m upset that we can’t buy a house. I’m upset that we have to, well no we don’

t, that Nicholai and I have to be stuck in the apartment. I’m upset that I don’t get to have my husband. *sigh*